


so far gone

by wartransmission



Series: one hundred [2]
Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Drabble Collection, Fluff, Hand Jobs, Intercrural Sex, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-09-25
Updated: 2015-11-19
Packaged: 2018-02-18 17:15:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 24,870
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2356244
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wartransmission/pseuds/wartransmission
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He should have seen it coming, being who he was, that the one person who’d treat him normally- who'd see him as more than what he was taught to be, was the one person who didn’t know what normal was. </p><p>[A collection of drabbles set in the <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/1833439">one hundred</a> universe.]</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. stay with me

**Author's Note:**

> Fic title is based on Thousand Foot Krutch's song, [So Far Gone](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7-sigUxXsAA); chapter title is based on You Me At Six's song, [Stay with Me.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UaPnuQ2Hdls)

It’s been three years, four months, and five days since the last time he met with Gon.

Three years, five months, and five days since he lied and said that Gon was number two. Did Gon or Alluka even believe him when he’d said it? Or did they both understand that it was just him being childish? He’d wanted to hurt Gon, wanted to say  _something_  that would make him think,  _Ah. I really did hurt Killua after all,_  even though Gon had already apologized on his hands and knees just before they left for the World Tree.

But it wasn’t enough. It could never be enough. He loves Gon, he truly does, but he can’t just  _excuse_  him for those hurtful words that easily. Even if he can, and even if he already has. He loves Gon but he needs to love  _himself_  too, Alluka had said, reminded him of it often enough that the thought has ingrained itself into him. Because how can he love Alluka, or Gon, or anyone else if he couldn’t even love himself properly?

“Killua.”

He blinks at the call, turns his head to the sight of Gon with furrowed brows and pursed lips. He stifles a laugh at the look and bites back a smile. As much as they’ve both changed in mind and in body, Gon is  _still_ Gon in the end. The thought is comforting, if only because it means that growing older doesn’t mean that they’ll change completely.

“Yeah, what?” he asks, stretching his legs out until they hit cool waves of water. It was a good idea after all, making Gon look around for him until he’d been found in an island almost empty of human life. They’d met at the World Tree first because of Gon’s selfish wish to meet him there, but Killua had made up for it. He’d made a selfish wish too, in the end, and asked Gon to look for him.

“Aren’t you going to say anything?” Gon asks, eyeing him with a pout telling of his impatience, as though he’s a child wanting for a gift. He probably is, considering how Gon had happened to find him on his birthday.

Killua smirks. The sigh that escapes him sounds mockingly exasperated and it is, though he wonders if Gon realizes that. He shrugs and looks out to the vast ocean in reply to Gon’s question, deliberately being difficult when he says, “I just did.”

“No,” Gon says with a shake of his head, “I meant something else. Isn’t there anything..?”

“Well, I guess. There’s something I’ve been meaning to say to you, actually,” he says, the sly tone hidden in the soft sound of his voice. Gon perks up at his words, his eyes visibly widening as he stares at Killua like he’ll get something good. Killua is reminded of a puppy when he looks at him and he snickers, hiding a smile behind his fist even as Gon keeps staring at him. “Why do you look so excited? You don’t even know what I’m going to say.”

 “That’s,” Gon’s voice trails off, the eager look on his face gradually making way for a hesitant one. “That’s true. But…but!” A determined look replaces the hesitant one nigh instantly, and he says, “You couldn’t have forgotten, right?”

“Forgotten what?” he asks, making sure to conceal the teasing tone when he speaks.

Suddenly, Gon looks all too much like a kicked puppy. “Killua!” he whines, hand reaching out to shake Killua by the shoulders. “You can’t have forgotten, right?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Yes you do!” Gon cries, looking far too sad about such a small thing when he stops shaking Killua to put his clenched fists in the space between them. “You’re just lying about not knowing!”

He raises an eyebrow at that. “Huh, really. How can you be sure?”

Gon frowns at him. “You  _do_  know.”

He shrugs. “Maybe. Maybe not. I don’t even know what you’re talking about, honestly.”

Gon makes another sad face at him, his lower lip trembling as he shoves at Killua’s shoulder. “ _Liar._ ”

“Yeah, that’s true.” He grins and Gon blinks at him, surprised at the easy admission when he’d been so difficult before. “Happy birthday, Gon,” he says, smiling as he watches the gradual change in Gon’s expression. From surprise to sheer joy, from a slack-jawed expression to a bright and toothy grin; it makes Killua feel heart-wrenchingly happy to have been the cause for that smile.

“You’re so mean, Killua,” Gon says, grinning still as he wiggles his feet happily in the ocean water lapping at the shore. He’s looking away at this point, probably thinking that that’s all Killua has to say to him. It’s not, but Killua is a little glad that he thinks that.

He takes advantage of the wandering gaze, turning his own gaze to the left and away from Gon as he says, “Thank you…for being born. For meeting me, and saving me.” He coughs, covers the lower half of his face with a hand as he adds softly, “You made-  _make_  me happy, so. Thank you for that too.” He’s probably blushing at this point and he probably looks stupid trying to hide it, but even so. At  _least_ he’d gotten his point across.

He worries on his lower lip as he waits for Gon’s reply. Half of him expects Gon to just grin at him in response, while the other half expects ( _hopes_ ) that Gon will hug him due to his uncontrollable emotions. He internally scoffs at the idea. He’ll probably get a grin at the most, since that’s what three years of separation can do to people.

What he  _actually_ gets when he looks to his right is Gon blubbering, crying with glassy brown eyes and trembling lips as he stares at Killua like he’d just made a  _miracle_. “Wh-what?” he asks, stunned at the sudden show of tears. He definitely hadn’t expected Gon to  _cry_. He reaches out to wipe at Gon’s eyes with a worried frown, not knowing what else to do, and squawks when he suddenly finds himself in a crushing embrace before he can even touch him. “Gon, what are you-”

“Thank you,” Gon snivels into his shoulder, arms still not letting up on their tight hold around Killua’s back. “I’m so glad, Killua.”

“Why are you  _crying?_ ” Killua asks, choosing not to say anything about the embrace as he leans back to get a good view of Gon’s face. He wipes away the tears with his sleeves, hoping to whatever god was out there that it wasn’t too obvious just how much he  _loved_  the idiot when he smiles at him. “Really. This is a bit extreme, don’t you think?”

“I thought you’d be angry with me,” Gon sniffles, tilting his head back to make it easier for Killua to wipe away the tears trickling down his cheeks. “I didn’t,” he sniffs, “think you’d say something like that.”

“Well, I just did. So stop crying,” he huffs, smiling in amusement as he finishes wiping at Gon’s tear-stained face. “Tears don’t look good on you at all, Gon.”

“Heh, I guess not,” Gon says, laughing as he squeezes his arms around Killua’s back. Killua blushes at the reminder that they’re so close and discreetly tries to pry himself away from Gon’s hold, only to fail with a tiny grunt of surprise when Gon tightens his embrace around him.

“Don’t,” Gon mumbles, resting his head on Killua’s shoulder again as he hugs him. “Let me stay like this for a while longer. Please.”

Killua thinks he might just combust from how oddly Gon is acting, hugging him so tightly like he’s going to disappear if he lets go. All too suddenly he sobers up at the thought, realizing a little too late that that’s _exactly_ what this is.

He sighs, that little exhale disturbing Gon’s black locks as he presses his lips on the top of his head in a discreet kiss. He thinks he might be crying too from the wetness he can feel on his cheeks, cold and irritating on his skin, but he doesn’t want to think about that right now.

“Fine,” he mumbles, letting his own eyes fall shut as he hugs Gon back.

“Just this once.”


	2. your forever is all that i need

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is taken from Sleeping with Sirens' song, [If I'm James Dean, You're Audrey Hepburn.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=71SvPulAyZI)

Killua is beautiful.

No, that’s not it. Gon knew that years ago (he doesn’t want to count the years that they were separated, doesn’t want to  _remember_  feeling so lonely), but  _this_  is something new.

Killua reminds him of the stars he always sees in Whale Island. His eyes are twinkling, bright with amusement and a quiet kind of contentment as he looks up at the night sky. He looks like he’s home, like he’s meant to be _here_ , by his side, and something about the look in his eyes makes Gon wish he could capture that one expression to keep forever.

(And yet, another part of him doesn’t want to, because capturing that soft gaze in a photo would mean  _sharing_  this side of Killua that only  _he_  is allowed to see. It’s selfish, utterly childish, but he really doesn’t want to.)

“You’re staring,” Killua says, an eyebrow raised as he looks down at Gon’s supine form. “Is there something on my face?”

“You’re beautiful,” he blurts out, not quite listening to Killua’s question when he says as much. Killua is the one who stares this time, blinking wide eyes at him, before turning away with a huff. “You are,” he adds while sitting up, smiling when he notices the red flush dusting Killua’s cheeks. “I mean it.”

“You have absolutely no sense of shame,” Killua grumbles at him, his hands nervously clenching and unclenching over his lap. It’s another cute quirk of his that Gon has only recently found out about, a little bit like his habit of scratching at his cheek when he’s being shy about something, and he always enjoys seeing it in response to whatever nice things he says about Killua.

“If I were any less nice,” Killua says, peeking back at him with furrowed brows, “I’d probably hit you. That’s the sort of thing you’d tell a girl, anyway; not to someone like me.”

“You  _are_  beautiful, though,” he hums, raising his spread legs a bit so that they’re forming angles in front of him. “I wouldn’t say it if you weren’t.” He yawns, looking up and blinking bleary eyes at the stars scattered around the moonlit sky. “You look like,” his voice trails off, growing quiet as he tries to find words before coming back with, “you  _fit_  here.”

Killua frowns at him. “I don’t think I get it.”

“Hmmm,” Gon grumbles, curling in on himself as he uses his knees to prop his chin up. “You look happy, is all. You look like you’re content here.” _With me_ , Gon doesn’t say, not wanting to initiate a conversation that he wants Killua to start himself.

“I did say that I like Whale Island,” Killua answers, the furrow in his brows smoothed away as he smiles at the campfire they’d built. It’s a familiar scene, seeing Killua smiling like this with his blue eyes lit by orange and yellow hues, and it makes Gon feel all warm inside. They may have changed on the outside, Killua having grown taller and him having grown larger in build, but they’re still the same, in a way. They’re still Killua and Gon, Gon and Killua, even if they’ve changed enough to be just Gon and just Killua in the years that they were separated.

Still- and he hopes Killua agrees-, it feels better to hear his name beside Killua’s instead of hearing his name alone.

“You look like you’re gonna fall asleep, Gon,” Killua says.

“No I’m not,” he answers quickly, blinking his eyes wide open the moment he’d processed Killua’s words. He grins, giggling a bit when Killua laughs at his stubbornness. “Really!”

“Yeah, yeah. I’m sure you’re  _wide_  awake,” Killua drawls, smirking at him when he starts to yawn.

“Mm, I am,” he mumbles, rubbing at his teary eyes with the heels of his palms. He thinks idly to himself whether he could just fall asleep here or if that would be a bad idea, gaze wandering to the side as he looks for a comfortable place to lie down, until he stops at a patch of blue flowers sitting a few feet away from him.

“Come on,” Killua says with a loud yawn. “Mm, I’m sleepy. We should go back.”

“No,” he says quickly, holding out his open palm to stop Killua just before he can stand up.

“No?” Killua repeats. Gon doesn’t know what sort of expression he’s wearing right now, far too busy with eyeing the patch of flowers a short distance away from him, though he can hazard a guess that Killua’s looking confused at just what it is he’s doing.

“Wait right there,” he says, crawling forward for the flowers. He peeks behind him once he’s sitting right in front of the blue blossoms, just to be sure, only to frown when he sees Killua making his way over to him. “Don’t move!” he exclaims, the sound almost coming off as a whine when he makes “shooing” gestures at Killua.

“Ehh,” Killua grumbles, eyeing him oddly, before sighing and obediently flopping back onto the ground. He asks, squinting in curiosity at whatever it is Gon is fumbling with, “Why not? What are you doing, anyway?”

“Just wait there! I’ll show you once I’m done,” he promises, smiling to himself as he starts twisting stems and leaves together.

“Hmph. Fine,” Killua huffs. The sound of feet tapping on the ground reaches Gon’s ears and he giggles, taking what amusement he could from Killua’s impatience as he makes quick work of weaving the flowers together.

One minute.

Two minutes.

Three.

Four.

“How long is this supposed to ta-”

“I’m done!” he cries before Killua can finish asking his question. Killua blinks, watching him with a curious gaze when he keeps both hands hidden behind his back. “Close your eyes, Killua.”

Killua makes a face at the suggestion. “I don’t think so.”

“Come on, it’s something nice! Trust me,” he says, using his best (and most annoying) whining tone while pouting at him. “It’ll only be for a little bit! You can open your eyes as soon as I’m done.”

“Done with  _what?_ ”

“Just close your eyes, geez,” Gon huffs, kicking out a foot at Killua’s thigh when he doesn’t do as instructed. Killua punches him in the thigh in retaliation with a little more force than is necessary, though it isn’t enough to make him reveal what he’s hiding.

It still hurts, though.

“ _Killua,_ ” Gon groans, stepping back before Killua can do anything more than a punch. He’s too tired to retaliate again, and he  _knows_  that it will lead to more roughhousing if he repays the punch. “Please trust me. It’s something nice, I swear,” he pleads.

“Something nice, he says,” Killua grumbles. Hesitantly, he closes his eyes, his arms folded over his chest as he waits for what it is Gon wants to do.

“You’re not really scared of closing your eyes, are you?” Gon asks, frowning as he drinks in the sight of Killua with his eyes closed. He’d insisted that Killua close his eyes, but the thought that he’s uncomfortable with it and that he doesn’t trust Gon is…

“ _No,_ ” Killua grits out. Gon isn’t completely sure, but it looks a lot like he’s blushing when he says so. “As if I’d be. I just don’t want you putting bugs on my face or anything.”

“I wouldn’t do that,” he says, voice softer this time. He makes sure to be quiet as he kneels down in front of Killua, biting his lower lip as he brings out what he’d been hiding and carefully places it on top of Killua’s head. “I’m done,” he says in a hum while pulling his hands away, smiling as he watches Killua blinking his eyes open.

He stifles a laugh when Killua instinctively leans back at the realization of their current proximity. Killua flushes when he realizes his mistake in reacting instinctively and forces himself to relax as he remains where he is, most likely not wanting Gon to think that he’s affected by their closeness. “What did you do?” Killua asks, playing cool despite the blush he’s sporting while he reaches a hand up to touch what’s on his head.

“It’s a flower crown,” Gon answers, smiling brightly as he sits right in front of Killua.

Killua raises an eyebrow in question at that. Idly, he toys with one of the petals he catches between his fingers. “This is what you made me close my eyes for?”

“I wanted to get close to you,” he explains, “you would have moved away if you had your eyes open.”

“Y-you,” Killua sputters, blushing as he uses a hand to shove at Gon’s shoulder. “Did you even  _hear_  what you just said?”

“Mm? Of course I did. I said it, after all.” He grins, not at all affected by the shove. “Do you like it? I saw it when I looked over there,” he gestures vaguely to the space behind him, “and I thought it’d fit you.”

“ _Why_  would flowers fit me?” Killua asks, looking a lot less embarrassed and more incredulous when he digests Gon’s words. He asks as much, but he doesn’t do anything to remove the flowers resting on top of his head. Maybe he likes it a bit after all.

“Well, they’re blue, and so are your eyes,” Gon says, flicking his index finger open from his closed fist. “Also-”

“Why  _flowers?_ ” Killua asks again, frowning as he shakes his head, bothering the blossoms lying atop his head. “I’m not exactly the type of person that reminds anyone of flowers.”

Gon purses his lips in confusion at those words. “Well, you  _do_  remind me of them,” he says, intent on making Killua understand that he  _does_  think the flowers suit him. “I mean, you’re just as pretty as one,” he says, laughing when Killua smacks him in the arm. “ _Ow,_  Killua!”

“Don’t say such gross things!” Killua exclaims, flustered as he gives Gon’s arm another shove. “You don’t just call a guy  _pretty_ , Gon. It’s- it’s weird!”

“ _Ehh?_ Why?”      

"Because!"

“That doesn’t make  _sense._ ”

“ _You_  don’t make sense!” Killua says, flustered still as he almost stumbles into a stand. “Where did you even  _get_  the idea to make a flower crown?”

“I just felt like it, I guess.” He shrugs, not really having a good answer for that question. He doesn’t even know why he did that either, but it had seemed like a good idea when he thought of it. It  _is_  a good idea. He stands up and says, all while dusting himself off, “You looked like you were missing something, then I saw the flowers, so…”

Killua blinks. He asks, a bemused frown on his face, “Missing something?”

“Mmhm!” Gon nods vigorously, instantly forgetting what annoyance he had at Killua’s refusal to accept his compliments in favor of happily explaining his reasons to him. Or, at least, he’ll  _try_  to explain it to him. “You were missing something. I mean, you’re beautiful as you are,” he laughs as he dodges Killua’s attempt at elbowing him, “but there was something…ah!” he gasps in realization, thumping a fist against his open palm. “It’s like- “ he grins brightly, finally understanding just what it was that made the flowers look good on Killua, “like the flowers made you look  _brighter._ ”

Killua looks perplexed when Gon turns his gaze to him; his eyebrows are drawn together again and his lips pursed, as though he can’t comprehend what Gon means at all. “You’re so weird, Gon,” he says, sighing softly in what sounded like weariness as he dusts himself off. Gon visibly deflates at the sound of Killua’s sigh, feeling something in him tremble in disappointment at the expression he’d caused Killua to have. He had only wanted to make Killua happy, to make him laugh if only for a moment, but…

“Then again,” Killua hums, idly kicking a foot out and back again, hands hidden in his pockets as he looks at Gon, “so am I.” He grins and what sad thoughts Gon had faded instantly, replaced by the warmth that Killua always unknowingly gives to him whenever he smiles in the way that he does that says, “You’re an idiot, but I care about you anyway.”

Killua laughs and Gon’s heart leaps, thudding loudly in his ears as Killua says, “I guess that’s why we fit so well together, huh?”

Gon grins despite how breathless he feels, despite how much it’s like he’s been  _punched_  in the chest with feelings. Quietly, secretly, he hopes that it won’t be long before Killua realizes that he’s important to him in more ways than one.

But it can wait. He can wait for as long as it takes- he can be  _patient-_ because he owes Killua that, at least.

“Yeah!”


	3. you are my sunshine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think we all know what the chapter title is based on, hahaha. Also, just in case anyone was curious, [this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vYxtBNvP1Xk) was the version that I listened to while writing this chapter.
> 
> I hope you guys like the drabbles! <3

"I think we’re missing something.”

“Huh?”

“We’ve got the campfire,” Gon says while turning in his sleeping bag. He looks up at the sky littered with stars, beautiful but not as beautiful as it would be in Whale Island, and adds, “and we’ve got the marshmallows. We’re sleeping in a tent too. I wonder what we’re missing…”

“I wouldn’t know,” Killua says in a soft exhale. He’s looking up at the same sky when Gon looks at him, his expression a thoughtful one as he props his head over his folded arms. “It’s not like I’ve gone out camping a lot- especially not for fun.”

“Yeah, that’s true,” he hums, turning again until he’s facing Killua completely. He props his head up with a folded arm and grins when Killua turns his head to look at him. “But that’s what I’m here for! We’ll make a lot of memories to make up for the experiences you couldn’t have before.”

Killua huffs out a laugh. “That’s a lot of things you’ve got to make up for, Gon.”

“Mm, I don’t mind. I’m happy that I can do something for you.” He grins and Killua smiles back, soft and gentle and beautiful that Gon can’t help the tiny  _thump-thump_ ing inside his chest. Not like he’d stop it if he could, anyway. It always feels nice to be like this, falling in love with Killua over and over again with every little thing he notices about him.

“You’re thinking of something weird again,” Killua says, interrupting his line of thought with the tone of someone having given up on dealing with something difficult. It’s a tone that Gon is intimately familiar with and it elicits a laugh from him, sheepish and guilty as he scratches at his cheek with the index finger of his free hand. “I’m barely even surprised anymore, at this point,” Killua says with a sigh.

“I can’t help it,” he whines, scooting over until there’s barely any space between the two of them.

(Idly, he wonders just why it was that there was any space between them at all.)

He reaches out and runs a hand through white locks, smiling when Killua closes his eyes in acquiescence to his affectionate gestures. “I just love you a lot,” he confesses, humming as he patiently waits for the reaction that he knows is coming.

He’s barely even blinked before Killua starts blushing, already staring up at him like he’d just dropped a bomb of massive proportions on him without warning. It’s a cute look on him but at the same time it’s not, because just how long should it take before Killua realizes that Gon loves him a lot enough to be able to say it out loud easily?

“I know,” Killua mumbles, gaze turned away as he removes his folded arms from the back of his head. He rests his hands on his chest with fingers twined together, mocking a prayer as he lets his eyes fall shut again. “You don’t have to keep saying that.”

“I know that. I want to, though,” he answers, leaning in closer to brush away stray white locks from Killua’s face. “I like saying that I love you.”

“I can  _tell_ ,” Killua grumbles with sleepy eyes, looking embarrassed as he swats Gon’s hand away from his face. “I don’t mind-” he bites his lower lip when Gon raises an eyebrow at him, “-I  _like_  it, fine! Ugh.”

“So cute,” Gon murmurs, giggling when Killua punches him weakly in the shoulder. “It’s really cute that you’re still too embarrassed to say it, Killua.”

“ _Stop_  that,” Killua huffs, loudly, the glare he sends Gon’s way a genuinely irritated one as he pushes Gon away by his face. “You were thinking about what was missing, right? Think about that instead of sticking so close to me.”

Gon whines at that, still pushing closer even when Killua tries to shove him away. “But-”

“It’s  _hot_  and you’re sweaty!” Killua complains. “Jeez! Why do you have to be so close, anyway?”

“Because I want to, obviously,” Gon says with a moue. Still, he decides to be obedient this time when he scoots a few spaces away. “You’re no fun, Killua,” he mumbles, cheek resting on his open palm as he watches Killua relax at his temporary withdrawal.

“How many times have I heard that from you?” Killua huffs right back, raising an eyebrow at him while folding both of his arms over his chest. “Aren’t  _you_  uncomfortable with the hea- okay, never mind.” He shakes his head with a sigh, thoroughly ignoring the confused look Gon directs at him.

“What?”

“It’s nothing,” Killua says, waving a hand in dismissal at his question.

“ _What?_ Killua!”

“I said it’s  _nothing._ ”

They glare at each other. It lasts for a few minutes, long enough that they’ve somehow- in the process of glaring at each other- unknowingly breached the distance that Killua had set between the two of them.  _Killua’s face is really close_ , Gon thinks absently, still frowning as he watches him.  _If I kissed him, would he-_

“ _Anyway,”_  Killua says, slapping his palm onto Gon’s face before he can even try anything, “did you even figure out what it was that was missing?”

“Mmf mmm!” Gon says against Killua’s hand. Killua rolls his eyes before removing his hand from Gon’s mouth. “I think I got it!” he exclaims the instant that his mouth is uncovered, grinning brightly as he wiggles a bit where he is, pleased at the fact that he’d finally figured it out. “I’ve got one word for you, Killua,” he says, grin turning sly as he tips his chin up. “Sing-along!”

“….uh.”

“Come on! That’s definitely something we need to do while camping,” Gon says, leaning right into Killua’s space again as he looks pleadingly at him. “It’ll be fun!”

“I’m not exactly a singer-”

“Neither am I,” he interrupts, smirking when Killua makes a face at him. “You don’t have to have a great voice, Killua. We just need to sing something for fun!”

“I don’t know any songs,” Killua reasons lamely, pouting a bit as he turns until he’s in the same prone position as Gon is. He has his arms folded in front of him when he turns to look at Gon, an eyebrow raised despite his soft gaze when he says, “so how am I supposed to sing with you?”

“I’ll teach you something,” he suggests swiftly, smiling even when Killua gives him a hesitant look.

“…fine. Just don’t blame me if I hurt your ears,” Killua grumbles, scooting a little closer to him- despite how he’d been the one to say that it was far too hot to stay so close to each other. Gon doesn’t mention it, not wanting Killua to move away, and smiles as he folds his own arms in front of him in imitation of Killua’s current position.

“I’m sure your voice isn’t that bad,” Gon says, not quite trying to reassure him as he is  _certain_  that Killua could sing at least a little bit.

(He’d heard stories from Alluka, after all.)

“Hah,” Killua huffs out a laugh. “Thanks. So,” he hums, head cocking to the side in question, “what’s the song?”

“You are my sunshine. It’s a song Mito-san used to sing to me a lot as a kid, it’s really nice,” he says, smiling as he raises and drops his feet behind him like a child waiting for boredom to end. Killua would probably think that he’d chosen it randomly, that he’d just happened to think of it first, and he’d be correct with the latter idea.

It’s not random at all, because if there’s anyone Gon wants to teach the song to, it’s to someone who sees him as the light when he himself is light too-  _moonlight_ , calm, quiet, and bright in a way that makes people feel at peace when they’re touched by it. Killua isn’t like him at all, bright enough to burn things, hot enough to destroy things if he so wished for it.

Killua is moonlight because he shines in the darkness, lighting up his way back home- to him- whenever he feels like he’s lost.

“Let’s hear it, then,” Killua says. He raises a brow when Gon sends a soft smile his way. “What?”

“Nothing. I was just thinking of the song and how it fits you,” he explains, tapping his fingers on the ground as he watches the confusion painting itself over Killua’s face in his furrowed brows. It gets to be too much that he can’t help himself; he holds out a hand, his expression more serious than before as he waits for Killua to either reject or accept the hand.

“What’s with you?” Killua asks, confused still as he moves his forearm outward to hold Gon’s hand. Their fingers fill the spaces in their hands easily as though they were meant for it and Gon smiles, feeling the warmth spread gradually and comfortably in his chest at the easy way they just  _fit_ together.

“I’m trying to remember how the song starts,” he lies, humming as he traces idle circles on the back of Killua’s hand. “I think it was…”

“ _You are my sunshine, my only sunshine,_

_You make me happy when skies are gray,_

_You’ll never know dear, how much I love you,_

_Please don’t take my sunshine away._ ”

Killua stares at him when he stops to hum the tune instead, his blue eyes twinkling with an odd sort of light as he squeezes Gon’s hand in his. “You know,” Gon says sotto voce, smiling as he nudges his shoulder against Killua’s, “you said that I’m light before, but I think you’re light too, in your own way.”

Killua looks just about ready to refute that, already opening his mouth to say, “That’s-”

“- _true_ , for me,” he says, firm enough in his tone that Killua shuts his mouth instead of arguing. “I think Killua is light too.”

He hums, having seen the look of disbelief on Killua’s face without having to look directly at him. He knows Killua, as much as he acts like he knows himself better than anyone. He knows that Killua doesn’t believe it, not because he doesn’t trust Gon, but because he doesn’t trust himself to accept the good things anyone else thinks of him.

It hurts to think about, but it’s better than not knowing at all.

“…fits you better,” he hears Killua grumble, cheeks painted a soft shade of pink as he gives Gon’s hand another squeeze.

“It fits us both, I think,” he says, smiling as he gives Killua’s shoulder another playful nudge. Killua blinks at those words, taking a while to digest them, before shaking his head and huffing out a laugh when he realizes just what it is that Gon meant.

“How does it start, again? That song you were singing,” Killua says, his words enough of a non sequitur that Gon blinks in confusion. His thumb unknowingly (or knowingly, Gon isn’t too sure) traces lines on the edge of Gon’s occupied hand, gentle and affectionate in the way that Killua is whenever he thinks Gon isn’t looking, and Gon realizes just what it is he’s asking. It earns Killua a smile that is just as affectionate and warm because he  _deserves_  to have someone looking at him in that way, treating him like he’s someone precious because he  _is_  even though he doesn’t always realize it.

He sings, giving Killua’s hand another comforting squeeze,

“ _You are my sunshine, my only sunshine,_

_You make me happy when skies are gray…”_


	4. aviation high

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter title was taken from Semi Precious Weapons' song, [Aviation High.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wfp_z9K98Jc)

He can’t sleep.

He’s counted to seven minutes now, counted sheep, counted the  _stars_  and Gon’s little breaths because he doesn’t know what else to do. It wasn’t this hard before, falling into slumber with Gon by his side, and he doesn’t even know just  _what_  is to blame for his sleeplessness.

“Unfair,” he grumbles under his breath, letting a sigh escape him as he turns to look at Gon’s peacefully sleeping face.  _It’s unfair, but I don’t think I really mind,_ he thinks, letting that tiny frown change (slowly, _gradually)_  into a soft smile.  _I’m glad_   _that you can sleep like this, that you feel safe beside me._ Because safe isn’t what he is, isn’t what he’s supposed to be, but Gon feels safe with him anyway.

But what else should he have expected? He should have seen it coming, being who he was, that the one person who’d treat him normally- who’d  _see_ him as more than what he was taught to be, was the one person who didn’t know what normal was. 

He’s so distracted by his thoughts that he doesn’t even notice it, how his hand is already reaching out- already an inch close to touching Gon’s cheek- until he stops and abruptly pulls his hand back in realization.

_What the hell am I doing?_

“You really,” he sighs, scrubbing a hand over his face in embarrassment and exasperation, “ _really_  make me stupid, Gon.”

 _You make me happy, so happy that I don’t know what to do with myself,_ he thinks; he blushes just thinking about it, hides his face in his hands even though he  _knows_  that no one is looking. “Shit,” he murmurs to himself, trying his best to ignore the loud  _thump-thumping_  sound in his ears.

_You were light, and you still are, but now you’re pulling me in before I can even try to look away._

“S’that so?”

Killua’s eyes blink open the moment he hears Gon’s sleepy voice, though it takes a moment for him to digest just what it was that was said. “What..?” he asks, confused, until he lowers his hands and notices the cheeky grin on Gon’s face.

“I heard.”

He blinks again.

 _“_ You were light, and-“

“Can we pretend I  _didn’t_  just say that?” he snaps the moment he hears the word “light” pass from Gon’s lips. He hadn’t even meant to say that out loud! “Since when were you awake, anyway?” he asks, blithe in tone and facial expression, trying to change the topic as quickly as possible so that Gon won’t say anything embarrassing in reply to what he’d thoughtlessly spoken aloud.

“Since “you were light, and you-””

“ _I got it,_ ” Killua interrupts before he can say more, holding his open hand up as a gesture for him to stop. He can already tell from the affectionate (and that still surprises him, being on the receiving end of such a gentle look) smile on Gon’s face that he’s blushing, and he  _really_ doesn’t want to talk about it. “Just. It slipped out,” he reasons lamely.

“You must love me a lot, huh?” Gon asks, sleepy and teasing as he props his head on his folded arm.

Killua frowns at the question. That much should be obvious already, especially after everything that’s already happened. “Of course I do.”

Gon’s smile widens and Killua bites his lip, not wanting to let it show just how  _warm_  it makes him feel to know that he can make Gon happy with such a small thing. Even though he knows that Gon deserves to be told about it, that he makes Killua happy without having to try so hard. He just  _can’t_ , not yet, because it’s still too much for someone like him. Gon says, smile soft, “I’m glad. I love you a lot too, Killua.”

“I  _know_  that,” he mumbles, scrubbing a hand over his face in embarrassment as he closes his eyes for a moment. He knows that it’s futile to pretend that Gon’s cheeky smile isn’t there just because he can’t see it, but it’s all he can do to not end up more hopelessly embarrassed than he already is. “You say it often enough that I can’t even forget.”

“Good,” Gon says, his tone oddly serious that Killua can’t help from looking up at him in curiosity. Yet Gon is already smiling when he looks at him, his eyes warm and his hand gentle when he strokes Killua’s cheek. Killua feels his face grow hot at the touch but he doesn’t-  _can’t_ do anything to stop it; he’s already in far too deep to push Gon away now. “I,” Gon stops, clears his throat, before continuing with a smile, “I really want you to remember that. That I love you a lot.”

“You don’t have to-”

“I’m not just doing this for you, Killua,” Gon says and his voice comes out soft but firm, deeper than his usually high-pitched and boyish tone. It makes Killua’s heart stutter, just for a moment, because he doesn’t usually get to see this part of Gon often. “I’m doing this because I’m selfish. I’m doing this because,” and his voice trails off into a murmur, returning just as softly when he says, “I want you to remember me, always. No matter what you do. I want you to remember that  _I’m_  the one that you’re with now, that  _I’m_  the person who loves you a lot no matter what.”

“…you’re saying really dangerous things, Gon,” Killua says after a moment of silence, voice almost quiet as he covers Gon’s hand on his cheek with his own. He gives Gon’s hand a gentle squeeze, watching silently despite the odd warmth simmering under his skin from having Gon’s gaze on him.

Gon smiles. It’s a different kind of smile but  _not_ , because it still says, “ _I love you a lot, you know?_ ”

“No, I’m not,” Gon murmurs, pulling his hand away from Killua’s cheek, but not before pushing away a stray strand of silver-white hair.

“I just love you a lot, Killua.”


	5. lurk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> lmao i give up on finishing the porn drabble. Here's another fic for now, which I wrote for [anorable](anorable.tumblr.com) on tumblr. She's a brilliant writer and I highly recommend reading all of her stuff! <3
> 
> Chapter title was taken from The Neighbourhood's song, [Lurk](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xfd7uYsKlBo).

Killua likes to think that Gon is easy to understand, easy to deal with, because Gon is pretty simple with whatever he means. Deceit isn’t in his nature and he says things as they are, even if they don’t always sound right. Even if they’re embarrassing things that he should keep his mouth shut for, but Gon is Gon, and Killua is used to that.

He  _thought_  he was used to that.

“Killua?”

“Huh?” He swallows and his voice breaks, cracking in a way that makes him want to just  _die_. Gon doesn’t seem to mind that tiny faltering sound, doesn’t seem to care when he presses closer. “Wait,” he tries, squeezing his eyes shut as he puts both of his hands on Gon’s shoulders to stop him. “Stop- what the  _hell_  are you doing?!”

“Trying to hug you,” Gon says, an odd tone in his voice when he pauses mid-lean. He covers both of Killua’s hands with his own, touches pale white skin with calloused palms in a way that makes Killua flush red with embarrassment. “But you’re not letting me. Why?”

“Because you’re being weird,” he bites out. The relief at not stumbling in his words has barely settled in his stomach when his heart jumps, beating loudly up in his throat when Gon succeeds in prying his hands off his shoulders. But he doesn’t just settle for that; he takes Killua’s hands into his own, slides battle-rough palms together as he slides his fingers in between pale digits. “Gon,” he says and it comes out a whisper, comes out soft and nervous-  _worried_ , because Gon doesn’t look like he’s… _himself_ , right now.

Killua has seen glimpses of this before, of dimmed brown eyes and forceful movements, but it was at a time that Gon wasn’t looking at him. Killua doesn’t understand what it means yet, being the subject of this gaze, these touches, and he isn’t sure if he knows how to deal with it.

He’d barely known how to stop Gon then, when he’d faced Pitou.

“Let me touch you?” Gon asks, smiling in a way that tells Killua that this- his hands in Gon’s, their fingers laced together- isn’t what he wants.

Killua swallows and he’s reminded of how dry his throat feels. He says, unsure, but meaning it nonetheless, “Then touch me.”

He silences the tiny hitch in his breath before Gon can hear it, bites his tongue to keep himself quiet when Gon pulls him close. Absently, he realizes that his hands feel empty, having been released from Gon’s hold when he chose to wrap his arms around the middle of Killua’s back.

“I love you,” Gon whispers into his ear, quiet and soft- but  _certain_ , firm enough to let Killua know that he means it. “I love you a lot, Killua.”

“I know,” Killua says, hides his flushed face in the crook of Gon’s neck and shoulder, “I  _know_  that already.”

“I like saying it,” Gon tells him, lips pressing warmth onto the tip of his ear. “You always look like you’re trying to hide how happy you are whenever I-”

“You- you’re too full of yourself!” he crows, embarrassed and irritated as he moves his hands to grip on the shirt over Gon’s chest. He clutches onto the garment, hopes that Gon doesn’t know that he’s doing it to keep himself from saying more, revealing more than what is necessary. Gon laughs and his hold tightens; he can’t believe how  _easy_  it is for Gon to say such things, even though he can because it’s  _Gon_  after all.

It’s quiet. He breathes, realizes a little too late that he feels hot from being held close like this- roughly, tightly, unlike those other times when Gon held him as if he were something fragile. Gon’s arms are still gentle on him but there’s a prickle trailing up his back, making him stifle a shiver when Gon hugs him tighter. There’s something strange, something _different_  about this kind of warmth, but he can’t quite pinpoint what it is that’s wrong about it.

“Killua?”

“What now,” he bites out, voice muffled into Gon’s shoulder.

“You’re mine, right?”

_Again._

“Ah,” he blinks, looking down at his legs curled around Gon’s waist. What could he say to that?

“I love you,” Gon says again, as if he hadn’t asked something odd just a second ago. Killua is already prepared to retort, mouth opening to say something, but Gon beats him to it when he whispers, “I want all of you.” Quietly, the hands on his back move; warm and firm on his back as they slide down the curve of spine, making him straighten up on reflex. His chest presses into Gon’s and he feels warmer, hotter in his skin, even though all they’re doing is  _touching_.

“Liar,” he says, the word tasting bitter on his tongue the moment it leaves his mouth. Gon isn’t a liar. Gon isn’t  _him_. “There’s no way you can want all of someone.”

“I already want all of you, though,” Gon murmurs, unusually gentle in his tone when he nuzzles his cheek into Killua’s temple. “Every part of you that makes you  _you_. Every bad thing and good thing about you, Killua,” Gon says, the smile on his face made visible by the light tone of his voice, “I want it.”

He scoffs. “Yeah? You want my deceit? My capacity to kill?”

“Mm,” Gon hums, sliding his hands back up to wrap his arms around Killua’s upper back. “I do.”

_Liar._

“You might not believe me,” Gon begins, pulling back to look at him. He settles for a poker face before he can help it, the action an automatic one because he doesn’t want Gon to see his disbelief. “But I mean it.” Gon smiles and another shiver trails up his spine, following the movement of Gon’s hands when they smooth over the shirt on his back. “You know how I get when I want something, right?”

“I’m not a  _thing_  to be owned,” he says instead of answering the question.

Gon giggles, as if what  _he’d_  said wasn’t odd. “I know that.”

He frowns. He doesn’t quite understand just what it is that Gon’s trying to imply, or just  _where_  it is this conversation is heading. “Then what do you mean?”

“What I mean is,” Gon says, voice trailing away for a moment as he presses his forehead against Killua’s, “I love you.” His hands slide up and away from Killua’s back, leaving Killua feeling cold at the absence of his touch- until those same hands trail up, cupping Killua’s cheeks in his palms. “I want to see all of you. I want to know that…that no one else can have you like this.”

Killua flushes beet red at those words. He opens his mouth but nothing comes out, leaving him looking like an embarrassing idiot with how he’s gaping at Gon because of his stupid and  _selfish_  words.

“I’m going to kiss you now,” Gon says. He shuts his mouth in surprise but he doesn’t pull away, only watching as Gon comes closer, closer-

 _“Nn,”_  he hums, the sound swallowed into silence when Gon presses warm lips onto his own. He lets his eyes fall shut as he always does whenever they kiss, wraps his arms over Gon’s shoulders as he arches and presses closer into him.

He doesn’t understand what Gon means, but he can at least understand this. He can understand what it means when they kiss, understands what it means when Gon keeps him close; he  _knows_  what to do when it’s on the physical side of their relationship.

His eyes blink open instantly, gaze focusing on Gon’s bright brown eyes, when he feels something wet trailing over his lips. “ _Wha-_ ” he tries to complain, ask-  _anything_ \- but Gon pushes closer even when he backs away, pushes deeper into him until he’s moaning muffled complaints into his mouth with the headboard pressing cold steel into his back.

“I mean it,” Gon whispers when he pulls away, voice heavy with want and _more_  that it makes Killua feel winded, as though something is squeezing his chest tightly enough that he can’t breathe. Gon flicks a thumb out to wipe at the saliva trailing from the corner of his lips and he flushes, staring with wide eyes when Gon kisses him again- lighter, gentler, the kind of kiss that Killua is more familiar with.

He presses his lips together, the expression almost a frown, when Gon only offers a smile in response after pulling away.

“Can I kiss you again?” Gon asks, as if he has to after what he’s already done. He’s only making things harder for Killua at this point, teasing him mercilessly, making him admit to things that he wouldn’t have admitted to before.

Yet he’s taking the bait anyway. Hesitantly, in a grumble, he says, “Yes- _mmph!”_

He grunts at the forceful kiss, arms squeezing over Gon’s shoulders on reflex when he feels Gon’s tongue teasing at his closed lips. He opens his mouth to the kiss, quietly, yielding to whatever Gon wants to do to his mouth, to  _him._

It feels hot, he realizes absently. Gon’s hands on his cheeks, fingers splaying out to touch his jaw and neck, his mouth on Killua’s, his tongue when it slides over his own, every part of him that touches Killua’s skin when he presses close, closer; he feels  _hot_.

(He feels wanted.)

He’s panting for breath when Gon slowly pulls away, eyelids flickering open and closed as Gon trails kisses from his lips down to his neck. Instinctively, he tilts his head back and slides his hands down, letting Gon have more room to work with on his skin. Pale, scarred skin, ruined with whips and chains and everything else- but not ruined,  _never_  ruined, when Gon sucks another red-painted bruise in a place that won’t be hidden by collar-less shirts.

“You’re mine, right? Killua,” Gon says, his words vibrations on Killua’s skin when he presses a kiss on the new bruise he’d left on him.

_I’ve been yours since you saved me._

“Yeah,” he says, the word coming out a sigh as he rests his head on the headboard behind him. Gon raises his head and Killua initiates the kiss this time, soft and sweet and slow ( _something unlike him_ ), taking pleasure from the delighted look on Gon’s face when he pulls away.

_I’ve always been yours._


	6. here with me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title is based on Robot Koch & Susie Suh's song, [Here With Me.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YzR8BCmV9Ew)

Killua’s breath on his skin is warm, shaky, quiet and soft in a way that makes his heart hurt. His pulse is slow under his skin, throbbing with every intake of breath and every brush of Killua’s skin on his.

“I love you,” he promises, gentle and sure.

Killua laughs. It’s a tiny sound, broken, and he thinks he hears his heart crack. “I know.” Raindrops trickle down Killua’s cheeks like tears when Gon looks up, making him look fragile and small even though he stands taller than Gon even now.

“Are you crying?” he asks. He doesn’t have to. He knows he doesn’t have to, but he tries anyway.

“I’m not,” Killua says, shakes his head in the crook of Gon’s neck and shoulder. “It’s just rainwater.”

He smiles, amused. “Really?”

“Really.”

_Drip. Drip. Drip._

_Why are you hugging me like I’ll disappear, Killua?_

Killua asks, raising his head until his lips are brushing against his temple, “Can I tell you a secret?”

Fragile. Quivering. Soft.

“Yeah,” he says. Killua’s hands tighten on the back of his jacket, clutching the wet garment like it’s some sort of lifeline. _Hold onto me,_ he doesn’t say. _I’ll stay for as long as you want me. I’ll stay forever._

“I dreamed about you.”

His heartbeat falters.

(So does he.)

“When I left,”

_You left. You left me. I never left you, Killua. I waited. I knew you’d come back._

“I dreamed about you. Always.”

He hums, tilts his head until his temple nuzzles against dripping wet silver-white hair. Half of him feels pleased, gratified to know that he was missed even though Killua was the one who left.

The other half feels horrible, because he knows that half of those dreams must have been nightmares. Nightmares of him dying, nightmares of him leaving.

“I dreamed that you’d be happy. When I left, you’d figure yourself out, and you’d find happiness even without me.”

_No. No, that’s impossible._

“I dreamed that you’d be fine.”

_I wouldn’t be._

“That you’d learn to live like I was only a part of your past. Nothing more.”

_No!_

“But I didn’t want that.” Killua shivers and Gon tightens the hold of his arms around him, keeps him close so he won’t feel too cold from the rain. “I’m sorry. I don’t-” his breath catches, stuck in his throat. “I don’t want it. I didn’t want to leave.”

_I don’t want you to be happy without me._

Killua pulls away, enough to be able to look at Gon through rain-wet dark lashes. They’re already older, seventeen years in age, but Killua is still shy when he moves to kiss him. Like he hasn’t kissed Gon just a while ago, like Gon hadn’t kissed him even more in the days they’d spent exploring humid rainforests.

Killua closes his eyes when he kisses him, eyelashes fluttering over pale skin as he presses wet lips over Gon’s own. It’s wet, and it should feel gross, but all Gon feels is warm and happy and _pleased_.

His heart leaps, throbs hotly in his chest like melted iron. He’s moving before he can help it, prying Killua away and close again as he slams him into the tree that had been pressing uncomfortably into his back. Killua grunts at the forceful movements but doesn’t struggle, only watches- quietly, patiently- when Gon takes a moment to stare at him.

Everything. Every little thing; dripping wet hair, fluttering eyelashes over blue eyes, trembling lips, strong arms and hands and quivering body- everything is _his_.

He kisses Killua and it feels like confirmation, feels like acceptance when Killua moans into his mouth and melts into his arms like he was always meant to be there. Like he was always mean to be here, in Gon’s arms, his chest pressing wet cloth into Gon’s as he swallows what words he’d had on his tongue.

“I wouldn’t be,” he says, whispers over kiss-reddened lips. “I wouldn’t be happy without Killua by my side.”

Killua trembles and he kisses him again. Gentler, softer.

“You understand, right?” he asks.

(He doesn’t have to.)

Killua nods, closes his eyes when Gon presses another kiss to his lips. He says, forehead pressing into Gon’s, close enough that Gon feels warmth seeping into his skin even with how cold the rain is,

“Yeah.” A quiet smile, blue eyes glinting bright and star-like under rain-dimmed skies, “I’m starting to.”


	7. collar full

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title was taken from Panic! at the Disco's song, [Collar Full.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Lqi8KYfWds)

“Are you sure-”

“This is the fifth. Fucking. _Time_ , that you’ve asked me that! We are already on the bed!” Killua snaps, flushed with embarrassment and irritation as he slams a fist onto the mattress beneath him. They’ve already rid themselves of their shirts and shorts, having taken them off a minute ago, and now they’re both on the bed: Killua lying on his back, his legs spread and resting around Gon’s hips; Gon kneeling in front of him, his hands idly caressing Killua’s outer thighs.

Gon had thought it would feel different, doing this sort of thing with Killua; he’d thought that he’d feel something more- something _new_ from what he already knew he felt. But it feels the same.

(He’s as hungry for Killua as he’s always been.)

Killua is glaring at him, his lips turned down into a frown when he says, “I am half- _naked_. I removed my clothes _myself!_ What more do you want me to _do_ for you to get-”

He kisses Killua before he can say more.

“Sorry,” he murmurs, pressing another soft kiss on Killua’s lips. He pulls away, sitting back on his haunches and watching as splotches of red form on Killua’s cheeks. “I just wanted to make sure. You’re not always honest, Killua,” he says, smiling at the guilty look on Killua’s face. “-but you’re trying! That’s good enough for me.”

He’d fallen in love with Killua because he is who he is, after all. He loves every part of him, loves the devotion and dishonesty and jealousy, because who would Killua be if not for these things? That he’s trying to be more honest at all is already more than enough for him, really.

“Well, I’m being honest this time,” Killua says, blue eyes bright when he looks right into Gon’s own. He’s still blushing, skin still hot with embarrassment at their position, but he’s looking into Gon’s eyes instead of _away_. “I want to, okay? So long as it’s with you, I’m fine with it.”

Gon grins. “Really?”

“Don’t get too cocky,” Killua huffs, squeezing his thighs around Gon’s hips hard enough that Gon grunts in discomfort. “Do you even _know_ how to do this?”

He nods vigorously in affirmative, grinning widely despite the dubious look on Killua’s face. “I did a lot of studying, and I even bought the stuff we’re gonna use!”

“Stuff, huh,” Killua mumbles, turning his head to look at the bedside table where Gon had neatly lined up a bottle of oil, a bottle of lubricant, tissues, wet wipes-

“Wait.”

“Eh?” Gon blinks, straightening up when Killua props himself up into a sitting position with his elbows on either side of him. “What?”

“Why aren’t there any _condoms?_ ” Killua asks, looking from the bedside table to him with an incredulous gaze. “Did you forget, or did you-” he swallows and Gon stares, his gaze drawn to the movement of Killua’s Adam’s apple, “did you…deliberately not buy it?”

“No, I bought them. I just didn’t take them out,” he says absently, gaze trailing up from Killua’s neck to his flushed face. He asks, unable to stifle his curiosity at Killua’s averted gaze, “Why are you so embarrassed, Killua? Does it mean something if I didn’t buy them?”

“I’m not- _ugh_ ,” Killua groans, flopping back onto the bed with both hands covering his face. “ _Yeah_ , fine! I’m embarrassed! I just thought you wanted to do it _raw_ , okay!”

Gon tilts his head in bemusement. “…raw?”

“Great, you don’t even know what that means,” Killua grumbles, quietly enough that Gon almost doesn’t hear him. Slowly, he lowers his hands from his face, but not enough that Gon can see if he’s frowning or not. “It means you want to fuck me without a condom, obviously.”

He frowns at that. “But wouldn’t that be bad?”

“There are people who don’t care about that,” Killua explains, sighing as he moves his hands up to cover his eyes. “Anyway, it’s not like I’m sick. Neither are you. So I thought…”

“I wouldn’t forget about that,” he says, frowning as he folds his arms over his chest. “I wouldn’t risk it when it means you’d get sick. But,” he purses his lips, head tilting to one side, “I didn’t take it out because I didn’t think we’d use it?”

Killua stares at him, mouth opening and closing as he tries to find words. It doesn’t take long before he shuts his mouth, probably having realized how weird he looked, and then says, “But you just said-”

“I’m not going to put it in,” he explains, barely managing to stifle a smile when Killua’s gaze automatically moves down to his crotch. “But I thought it’d be good to have condoms, just in case you don’t want a mess.”

“…oh.”

He blinks. “Did you want me to put it in?”

“No- that’s not-” Killua sighs, loudly, closing his hands over his nose and mouth. “ _No_. I just thought that _you’d_ want to,” he says, voice slightly muffled by his hands.

“I’m fine with anything, as long as I can do it with you,” he says, smiling softly when Killua makes a small, almost embarrassed sound in reply. “That’s the only reason I’m doing this. I wouldn’t have sex at all if I couldn’t do it with you, you know.”

“… _yeah_ , I got that,” Killua mumbles, sliding his hands down until they aren’t covering his face anymore. “If you’re…not going to put it in, then what are we gonna do?”

“Later, I’ll show you,” he says, grinning when Killua makes a face at his answer. “For now, I want to focus on you.” He pushes forward, maybe loving it a little bit when Killua’s breath hitches at the press of his groin against his ass. “Sit up for me?” he asks, pulling an innocent smile when Killua squints suspiciously at him.

Yet he moves, only hesitating for a fraction of a second as he sits up. “Up we go,” Gon huffs, biting back a grin when Killua grunts in surprise at being heaved up onto Gon’s lap by the firm hands flat under his ass.

“Could’ve just told me to move,” Killua grumbles, hands squeezing down almost painfully on his shoulder. But he grins anyway, because what was the pleasure of teasing Killua if there wasn’t the pain of his retribution?

“It’s more fun this way,” he says, grinning as he squeezes his hands on Killua’s ass one more time. Killua pinches him on the arm in reply, earning a wince and a tiny whine of “ _Killua!_ ”

“You deserved that!”

“No I didn’t!” he exclaims, deliberately egging Killua on while discreetly sliding his hands up to settle on Killua’s hips.

“Yes you _did_ ,” Killua says, not looking at all like he’s noticed it, or that he’s concerned about the change in position of Gon’s hands.

“No I _didn’t.”_

 _“_ Yes you- _Gon?!”_ Killua squeaks, hands gripping hard on Gon’s shoulders when he feels a rough hand pressing down on his groin. “Wh-”

“Sorry,” he says none too apologetically, the grin on his face telling of his lack of actual concern as he slowly moves the heel of his palm over the bulge inside Killua’s boxers. “I was waiting for you to relax?”

“Waiting for me to relax, my _ass_ ,” Killua says snippily, breath coming out in a huff as he carefully, hesitantly rolls his hips into Gon’s hand. His eyelashes flutter with every roll and he looks like he doesn’t know how to feel about it- like he’s feeling good but he doesn’t know just _how_ to explain it.

“It worked, though,” he points out, pressing kisses along Killua’s shoulder even though all he really wants is to see Killua’s face while he touches him. But he can wait. He’ll _force_ himself if he has to, because Killua is the one who’s supposed to feel good this time; not _him_.

“Shut up,” Killua says- murmurs, voice soft enough that Gon can’t feel the heat in his words at all. He’s not just holding onto Gon’s shoulders anymore; he’s hugging him, his arms wrapped around Gon’s shoulders as he slowly rocks into the firm heel kneading over his cock. His movements are hesitant, like he isn’t sure if what he’s doing is right or not- but no…that’s not it, is it? He’s hesitant but not _clumsy_. It’s more like…

…like he isn’t sure if he wants Gon to touch him.

Gon sucks in a breath at the thought, though he doesn’t let Killua notice that little reaction. He tests it when he moves his hand away, subtly stretching his fingers up over the waistband of Killua’s boxers, and tugs the garment low over Killua’s thighs.

“Hey, Killua,” he asks, whispering to keep from breaking the silence around them.

“Mm?” Killua hums. The sound comes off hitched, cracking when Gon wraps a hand around his shaft.

(Guiltily, Gon thinks that he loves the sound of it. It’s a sound that Killua made because of _him_ , after all.)

“Why’re you moving away when I’m touching you?”

“Huh?” Killua blurts out, the sound cutting off into a tiny gasp when Gon presses a thumb against the slit of his cock. “Wh-what are you talking about-”

“You’re doing it again,” he says, frowning when he tries to move his hand over Killua’s shaft and fails when Killua moves his hips away.

He leans away, forcing Killua to loosen his hold around his shoulders. Killua is worrying at his lip when Gon looks at him, his gaze averted once more as he keeps two firm hands over Gon’s shoulders. “Killua?” he asks, softly, pulling his hand away and settling them back on Killua’s hips to keep him from being uncomfortable. “It’s okay if you really don’t want to.”

Killua shakes his head instantly at the suggestion. “No, that’s not- that’s not _it._ ” He’s flushed red, far more than he was a few minutes ago, and his hands are twitching every now and then over Gon’s shoulders. “I’m just not _used_ to it. I can’t help it- it’s- it’s instinct when I move away. Because…”

“…you’ve never felt good like this before,” Gon guesses. The possibility of that being true makes him torn between being pleased that he’s seeing a new side of Killua and being hurt that Killua has only known pain his whole life. He wants to be a lot of Killua’s firsts, he admits to that much, but he doesn’t _want_ it if it comes at the expense of Killua’s capacity to feel pleasure.

Killua nods and he thinks he feels his heart break, anger boiling inside his chest at the notion that Killua is moving away from him because he doesn’t know how to feel _good._ “That’s okay,” he says, an assurance more for himself than for Killua. “It’s…it’ll be fine.” He smiles and he hopes Killua doesn’t see it- hopes Killua doesn’t see just how _angry_ he is for his sake. “I said I’ll take care of you, remember? I’m not going to go back on my word.”

“Yeah, but- _ah-_ ” Killua sucks in a breath, hands squeezing over Gon’s shoulders when Gon traces feather-light lines on the underside of his shaft.

“This is fine too,” he says, promises Killua when he smiles up at him. “Because this means that I’ll be the one to teach you how to feel good. Just like this,” he murmurs, watching how Killua’s jaw clenches when he finally wraps his hand around his shaft. Gently, he pumps his hand around it, making sure to not be too rough or too fast as he trails kisses over Killua’s chest and shoulders.

“You don’t have to- mm- _baby_ me,” Killua says, most likely glaring down at him as he wraps his arms around Gon’s shoulders again. Gon sucks a bruise on his skin (right on the space below Killua’s collarbone, hard enough that he knows it’ll last) and Killua sucks in a breath, hips moving up on reflex into Gon’s touch. “Ah- _ah-_ ”

“I wouldn’t be touching you at all if I were babying you,” Gon murmurs into pale skin, grinning when Killua’s back arches against his other hand. “I want to do so many things, Killua,” he says, punctuating Killua’s name with another bruise on his shoulder. “I want to make you feel good, so much that you can’t ever forget how it feels whenever I touch you.”

“S- _selfish_ ,” Killua says, breathy and high-pitched when Gon starts going a little faster. “ _No_ , don’t- don’t go too fast,” he says, grits his teeth while hiding his face in his arms. “ _Gon_.”

“I love it when you say my name like that,” he blurts out, biting his lip when he feels Killua squeezing his arms around him in reply. He slows the movement of his hand on Killua’s cock, waiting for Killua to relax in his arms even though all that’s going through his mind is _I didn’t mean to say that._ He _means_ what he’d said, but- but he didn’t think he’d say it out loud _accidentally_.

What would he even _do_ if Killua stopped saying his name just because of that?

 “Weirdo,” Killua says, his voice so close to Gon’s ear sending a tiny thrill up his spine. He laughs and the movements of Gon’s hand come to a halt, the sound surprising enough that he can’t help from staring up at him. “Are you really that self-centered that you like it when I just say your name?” Killua murmurs, teasing, his lips pressing a kiss into Gon’s temple. “ _Gon._ ”

He shivers at the call of his name. “Seriously?” Killua asks, leaning away to get a good look of his face. He laughs and Gon feels his cheeks heat up, not quite prepared to be the source of Killua’s amusement when he’d blurted that one thing out loud.

“It just- it sounds good,” he grumbles, embarrassed. “In your voice, anyway. Especially when I’m touching you.”

All too suddenly, the sly smirk drops from Killua’s face; replaced by trembling lips, only stilled when Killua presses his lips together in a firm line. “That’s-”

“You sound sexy, okay? I can’t help it,” he retorts before Killua can say anything, his embarrassment fading in small amounts as he starts moving his hand around Killua’s shaft again. Killua’s hips buck into his touch in surprise and he grins, feeling inexplicably pleased at the sight of Killua biting his lip in front of him.

“You are such a _pervert_ ,” Killua snaps, the insult not coming off as harsh as Killua had intended it to sound. Gon speeds up his movements in reply, pumping his hand around Killua’s cock faster- and he shouldn’t be the one enjoying this but he _is,_ because Killua is saying his name over and over again ( _“Gon- Gon, ah-”_ ), hips quivering from the touch like he’s so close to coming but he doesn’t want to yet.

“Wait,” he says, the word forced out of him when he pulls away both of his hands from Killua’s body. He doesn’t want to stop, he _really_ doesn’t want to keep Killua hanging, but he knows (as far as his internet searching has taught him, anyway) that it would feel better if he had something else on hand while touching Killua.

“Wh-what?” Killua asks, tensing in his arms when he scoots them both over to the head of the bed, a little closer to where the bedside table is.

“Oil,” he says as an explanation, wrapping one arm around Killua’s hip while he stretches out his other one to reach for the bottle. “It’ll be better this way, or so they say,” he mumbles absently, removing his arm from Killua’s hip to be able to pour oil on his other hand. “Tell me how it feels?” he asks while throwing the closed bottle behind him on the bed, smiling up at Killua as he reaches down with his oil-slicked hand to touch him again.

“It feels _wet_ ,” Killua grumbles, looking irritable and embarrassed at the light touch.

“I’m serious,” he says, not bothering to look up as he plants another kiss on Killua’s shoulder, sucking pale skin until it blooms red under his lips. He pumps his hand around Killua’s cock, leaving a trail of kisses on Killua’s chest and up his jaw as he slides his other hand up to trail circles around one of Killua’s nipples. Killua doesn’t say anything at the touch but he tenses, bowing his head right into the crook of his arms around Gon’s shoulders. “How does it feel? Killua,” he murmurs against scar-ridden skin, one hand pinching at a nipple with the other pumping- slow, _torturous-_ around Killua’s cock.

“Don’t _ask_ me that,” Killua says, high-pitched and whiny as he bites the tip of Gon’s ear in retaliation. “It should be o­ _-oh-“_ he gasps and Gon twitches, feels something stirring inside his stomach at the little breath right by his ear.

He should wait. He should be patient. But it’s becoming more and more difficult to be when Killua is breathing and groaning right into his ear, whispering Gon’s name with every unintentional buck of his hips into Gon’s touch.

“Is it okay if you finish first?” he asks, voice cracking mid-sentence when he presses a kiss onto Killua’s chest. “I need- I need this, I need to-”

Killua laughs but the sound comes off weird- comes off strange in a way that makes Gon want to just _touch_ him everywhere. “You’re so-” Killua grits his teeth, jaw clenching as he hides his face in his arms; he bites out, “so ­ _selfish._ ”

He barely bites back a whimper when Gon teasingly sucks on a nipple, tongue tracing teasing circles around it in a way that has Killua’s legs quivering over his hips. Killua doesn’t say anything, doesn’t once complain even when Gon starts toying with his other nipple by rolling it in between his fingers, _even_ when Gon grazes his teeth over the nub hardened from Gon’s teasing. It feels exhilarating, _exciting,_ knowing how pliant Killua is for him when he touches him. He wants more, more than this, so much more- but he won’t do anything, not yet. Not if Killua doesn’t want it.

He wants Killua to feel good, after all.

“It’s fine,” he says, mutters mindlessly, raising his head to press kisses over the bruises he’d left on Killua’s pale skin. He hasn’t even touched himself but he’s _hard_ , a little like he’s itching for something when he mouths over Killua’s skin, “It’s fine, Killua. You can come.”

“ _Gon­-_ ”

Then Killua goes quiet, the sounds coming from his mouth silenced by teeth biting deep into his arm wrapped around Gon’s shoulders. Gon feels the tremors more than the wetness splashing over his chest and hands, feels it more than anything when Killua presses closer into him like he’s the only thing left keeping him balanced when his climax washes over him.

“You okay?” he asks, softly, trailing kisses on Killua’s shoulder as he waits for him to come down from his momentary high.

“Think so,” Killua mumbles, slowly raising his head from his arms to get a glimpse of Gon’s face. He looks like he’s trying not to breathe too hard with every slow huff he makes, like Gon would think anything of him being affected by the climax he’d just had.

He thinks it’s nice to look at, Killua flushed and panting on his lap, but he’d probably be smacked on the head for thinking that.

He smiles and hopes that passing thought doesn’t show itself on his face. “What’s that look for?” he asks at the moue on Killua’s lips, reaching up to wipe away the trail of saliva from the corner of his mouth. His hand gets swatted for its efforts but he laughs, because that small stinging pain is worth it for the look of sheer embarrassment on Killua’s face.

“You probably want me to do yours too, right?” Killua asks, surprising Gon when he climbs off of him to strip himself of his boxers. “Stop _staring_ , it’s not like you haven’t seen any of this before,” Killua grumbles, snapping Gon out of his temporary daze when he turns away from him to get the tissues off of the bedside table.

“It’s fine Killua, I’ll do that,” he says hurriedly, snatching the box of tissues from him before he can even try to wipe at himself. He grins sheepishly at the incredulous look Killua sends his way. “Sorry! But- well, you don’t have to do anything. I did say that we’d try this out to see if it works for you, right?”

“Is it even working for _you_?” Killua asks him, hesitantly giving up on getting back the tissue box when he sees the protective hold Gon has on it.

“Obviously,” he answers, not minding the annoyed look Killua sends his way when he starts wiping himself off first. “You were pretty sexy. It’s hard not to get…y’know, _hard_.”

Killua makes a face at that. “I don’t see anything sexy about wiggling around on your lap.”

“It was plenty sexy to have you grinding on me,” Gon insists, grinning widely when Killua’s face promptly bursts into metaphorical flames. “Really! It made me-”

“Don’t even say it. Just. Don’t,” Killua grits out, using one hand to cover his face, though it doesn’t do anything to hide his pink-tipped ears. “ _I_ _got it._ ”

“Okay,” he hums, satisfied. “Then, I’ll clean you up-”

“Gon, what the hell!” Killua screeches, immediately scooting back when he tries to crawl towards him with tissues in hand. “Just let me clean myself up! This is embarrassing enough as it is!”

“I just want to clean you up, though?”

“Do you not understand the meaning of _embarrassing,_ Gon? I am already- _almost_ an adult; I don’t need someone else to wipe my messes for me.” He huffs out a breath, face flushed when he says, “ _Especially_ not messes made because you gave me a _handjob_.”

“But,” he pouts, putting on his puppy dog eyes when he stops an inch from Killua’s curled toes. “Why are you embarrassed now? I already touched you and made you come, so why-“

“Do I look like I’m incapable of cleaning myself?” Killua interjects, looking embarrassed still as he folds his legs up to his chest. The teasing glimpse of Killua’s inner thighs when he shifts makes Gon bite the inside of his cheek, stifling the words dancing like spices on the tip of his tongue.

“Nn,” he hums in answer, shaking his head in the negative as he looks down at his lap. “I just want to take care of you. You do a lot of things for me already, and I…I just want to be the one to do things for you, this time.”

Killua’s face looks a little like he’s trying hard not to be swayed by Gon’s words, but is failing- _horribly_ , Gon can tell from the tremble in his lips. “ _Ugh,_ damn it- fine!” Killua says, flustered but playing it off as irritation when he lowers his legs until his toes touch Gon’s knees. “Do whatever you want,” he grumbles, scrubbing furiously at his face to try and hide the embarrassment painting his cheeks pink.

“Don’t say that,” he murmurs, soft and almost quiet as he crawls closer. “Or I’ll really do whatever I want.”

“You already _do_ whatever you want,” Killua retorts, voice just as soft as he watches Gon wiping away the mess on his stomach. He shies away from the touch at first, nervous at the difference of _this_ touch from his touch whenever he’s helping patch Killua himself up, but he relaxes eventually. It’s slow going but Gon doesn’t mind; Killua deserves his patience and gentleness after everything he’s been through, after all.

“I don’t do everything.” He smiles and Killua blinks, looking up at him when he pulls away after having finished cleaning him up. “I just do the things that I know you’re fine with.”

It takes a beat of a second before Killua seems to get it, his face burning bright red when all Gon does is continue to smile. “I’m scared to ask just what it is you want,” Killua says, eyeing him askance when he nudges the bottle of oil forward until it’s sitting innocently between them.

“I want to do everything with you,” he answers honestly, leaning over to the side so he can throw the crumpled tissue in his hand into the bin beside their bed. “Everything that could make you feel good, that could make me feel good- I want to try it all. But,” he says, turning around until his legs are hanging off the bed. “I don’t want to do anything if you only want to try this once.”

“That’s…”

“You don’t have to feel guilty,” he says as he stands up to kick his boxers off his person. “I just wanted to let you know that I want to do a lot of things because it’s with _you_. It’s not because I want to really do those things on their own. I wouldn’t mind if we only got to try some things, like this one.” He grins, scooting back onto the bed until he’s right by Killua’s side. “You need to understand, Killua,” he says, covering Killua’s hand with his own over the bed, “If you feel like you have to force yourself to do something with me, then I don’t want it.”

“…why are you being so dramatic,” Killua grumbles, sliding his hand away from Gon’s hand- only to slip his fingers in between Gon’s own. Gon’s heart feels light at that one touch and he smiles, squeezing his fingers around Killua’s. Killua says, “You make this sound like it’s bigger than what it really is when it’s just _sex._ ”

“But it’s sex with _you_ ,” he says promptly, grinning when Killua makes a face at him in embarrassment. “And I want it to be fun for you, so.”

“Are you sure you’re not just thinking of what _you_ want?”

“…maybe I am,” he reasons, scooting a little closer until his hip bumps against Killua’s thigh. He smiles and Killua frowns, confused as to why he’d smile at admitting to his selfishness. “I want to see you feeling good because of me, so I guess I’m sort of just thinking about what I want.”

There’s a pause, Killua taking a moment to stare at him in surprise, before he laughs- _loudly._ “I can’t believe you admitted to that- but I _do._ ” He giggles, taking his hand from Gon’s hold to wipe at the tears forming on the corners of his eyes from too much laughter. “You really have no shame, Gon.”

“We wouldn’t be getting anywhere if I were easily embarrassed, though.” He leans back and grabs the bottle of oil he’d left on the bed, before leaning back over to send a wide smile Killua’s way. “So,” he asks, wiggling the bottle in his hand a bit, “do you know how you want to do it?”

Killua raises an eyebrow at that question, the embarrassment that had previously been painted on his face replaced by curiosity and bemusement. “I figured you’d decide on that on your own since you’ve been doing everything yourself from the start.”

He shrugs. “I’ve got some ideas, but I’d prefer doing it in a position you’d be most comfortable in.”

Killua barks out a laugh and he blinks, surprised and confused as to what Killua is amused about. “Eh?”

“’Most comfortable in,’” Killua repeats, making air quotes while saying so. He smiles in amusement as he lowers his hands back onto his thighs. “I’ve never had any experiences with sex, and you already know that I’ve never thought about it as something I’d ever want to do. I wouldn’t know what the most comfortable position would be, even if you ask me that. Watching pornos is different from actually _knowing_ what works, after all.” He sighs, raises a hand to scratch the back of his head as he looks off to the side. “Guess this means I’ll just go with whatever you want.”

“Then,” he begins, licks his lips (he hopes he doesn’t look too excited, because _really_ ) as he leans forward on his hands, “lie down for me?”

Killua nods; he looks like he’s trying his hardest not to be embarrassed about it, and it works out- sort of, if not for the tiny hint of a blush on his face. Gon doesn’t say anything, remaining quiet as he watches Killua sliding down onto the bed until he’s completely on his back. “What now?” Killua asks with furrowed brows and pink-worn lips, hands nervously fidgeting over the bed sheet. There’s an almost discreet movement that Gon notices from the corner of his eye and he looks down, the turn of his head instinctive, only to see that Killua has crossed one leg over the other in an attempt to hide himself.

“That’s not going to work, you know,” he says, smiles as he scoots to the lower half of the bed. Killua makes a tiny noise of complaint when he places his hand on a pale thigh. “It’s nothing I haven’t seen before, right?”

“Don’t make fun of me, asshole,” Killua grumbles, corner of his eye twitching. Gradually, he spreads his legs, lets his thigh move with the gentle nudging of Gon’s hand. Suddenly, Gon starts to feel a little dirty- a little bit like he’s doing something he _shouldn’t_. He’s really going to do it, isn’t he? He’s going to have sex with Killua. Killua _wants_ to. He puts the hand that was on Killua’s thigh over his chest, right where his pulse rings strongest, and curls it into a fist when he realizes how loudly his heart is thumping under his skin.

He squawks when Killua kicks him in the side. He rubs at the stinging skin, wincing when he feels it throb under his touch. “Why-?!”

“You’re freaking me out!” Killua shrieks, flushed as he folds his arms over his chest. “You went really quiet and started staring at me like- like you were going to eat me alive!”

“That’s one way of putting it- ow!” He cringes, rubbing at his now-stinging shoulder with a grimace. “I was just trying to be funny!”

“It’s not _funny_ ,” Killua bites out, looking a lot more embarrassed than angry as he lets his legs flop back onto the bed until they’re forming a reverse V. Gon would comment on the spread legs but doesn’t risk it; Killua is already angry enough as he is. “You don’t even look like you’re joking, Gon.”

“Maybe I’m not,” he shrugs, smiles when he catches the foot Killua sends out in a kick to his shoulder. “Play nice, Killua. I’m going to make you feel really good soon, okay?”

“I thought my part was over,” Killua grumbles, shaking Gon’s grip off his ankle with ease and setting his foot back on the bed.

“Of course not. I wanted to do this, but only because I want to see you feeling really good.” He grins brightly as he pops open the cap from the bottle of oil. “I’m going to use your thighs for this, if that’s okay?”

“My...thighs?” Killua asks, raising an eyebrow. His face looks almost comical when Gon puts his thighs together to raise them up over his shoulder. He sputters, flustered, “Wh- what are you-”

“I’m going to fuck you,” he says bluntly. “I’m going to put oil in between your thighs and I’m going to-”

“Okay!” Killua yells, waving a panicked hand as a gesture for him to _stop_. “Okay, I get it!”

“You’re so cute, Killua,” he says, smiles softly when all Killua does is frown at him. “You must’ve watched a lot of porn already, right? But you’re blushing just because I said I’d fuck you.”

“Since when were you so _crude_?” Killua asks. He bites his lip when Gon does exactly what he’d said about putting oil on him, swallowing back the embarrassing sounds threatening to escape his mouth. He looks like he’s struggling not to squirm, like he’s barely holding back the urge to up and run away from what Gon is doing.

“Maybe I’ve always been crude,” he says in a hum, slicking pale thighs with oil before moving on to put some on his cock. He reins in the shiver traveling up his spine and manages a smile, earning a wide-eyed gaze from Killua in response when he notices the move away from his thighs. “Maybe I’ve just been hiding this side of me because I didn’t want to scare you away.”

“…as if anything you could do would scare me away,” Killua mumbles under his breath, face going a bright red when Gon beams happily at him. He turns his head away with a huff, says, “Don’t stare at me while you’re doing _that_ with your hands, you pervert.”

“You shouldn’t call me a pervert when you’re a pervert too.”

“I’m not the one who wants to fuck me.”

“That would be weird. How would you even do that?”

“Will you stop-”

“I’m stopping, I’m stopping,” Gon soothes, grinning when Killua scrunches his nose at him. He asks, just because he can, “Do you know what I’m going to do to you?”

Killua makes a face at the question. “Are you trying to dirty talk me?”

“You seem to like it,” Gon points out, sliding a hand between Killua’s thighs to trail a feather-light touch over his twitching cock. Killua squawks at the teasing words, thighs jolting hard enough from Gon’s touch that he has to put down the bottle of oil to keep Killua’s legs from falling off his shoulder. “Sorry,” he says none too apologetically, smiling a sly smile even when Killua glares at him. “You just look really cute when I tease you. I’m glad I noticed,” he says before Killua can try to butt in, hand lowering from Killua’s knees to trail teasing touches over the outside of his thigh, “because now I get to see a lot of your cute sides for myself.”

“You sound like a creep, you know that?” Killua says, though the berating tone doesn’t quite impress itself on Gon when he notices Killua’s thighs still twitching a bit from his touches.

“You’re in love with me,” Gon points out. He grins victoriously when all Killua does in response is gawp at him. “What does that say about you, hm?”

Killua raises an eyebrow, tone wry when he says, “I’m fucked up?”

“You’re beautiful,” Gon says with a frown, the tone of his voice leaving no room for arguments. “And you’re mine. You’re only just as fucked up as I am, anyway.”

Killua dons an incredulous look at that. “You weren’t tortured as a kid, Gon. You had a normal life, as far as normal lives go.”

“And you were brought up in the wrong place, with the wrong methods, but I met you,” he says, pressing a kiss onto the pale skin of Killua’s leg. “That’s good enough for me.”

“…damn it,” Killua grumbles, covers his eyes with his hands as he sighs in irritation laced with disbelief. “I’ll never get through to you. I should have learned- _nn?!_ ”

“I really, really don’t want you to think about sad things right now, Killua,” he says, looking a lot more apologetic now than before as he pulls his hand away from where it had been teasingly touching Killua’s taint. “And it doesn’t sound nice when you say that you only love me because you think you’re fucked up.”

Killua’s face does a hilarious cross between irritation and shock that Gon can’t help a tiny laugh. “I-I didn’t-”

“I know,” he says soothingly, smiles as he puts his hand back over Killua’s thigh. “You didn’t mean it like that. You should probably stop saying that, though. _And_ stop thinking it,” he adds firmly, frowning when Killua blinks in surprise at him. “I mean it.”

“You can’t control me-”

“I’m not trying to! I just- I want you to stop thinking bad things about yourself. I love you, remember? Would you like it if I thought bad things about myself?”

Killua looks cowed at the notion, jaw locked tight as he looks off to the side. “…no,” he says after a while of silence, frowning when he peeks back at Gon. “I’d hate that.”

He smiles. “Right? So,” he murmurs, lowers an oil-slicked hand to tease over Killua’s taint before moving lower- low enough that Killua tenses, staring wide-eyed and flushed at him. “Let me take care of you. You can think that I don’t deserve you all you want, but I’ll love you nonetheless. I’ll love you no matter what.”

_Just like how you love me._

“Please,” Killua whispers, expression pained as he runs a hand through silver-white hair, “let’s not talk about this right now.”

He frowns, shakes his head determinedly. “No. Killua, you need to listen to me. I can’t _do_ this if you think that I’m half-hearted about my feelings for you.”

“ _You?_ Half-hearted about anything?” Killua laughs derisively, head turned away for a moment as he covers his face with a hand. Gon wants to be angry with him, wants to be frustrated with how caustic he’s being, but his gaze follows the gentle curve of Killua’s bared neck and- and he can’t. He _can’t_. It’s Killua. Bare, both physically and emotionally; how can Gon find it in himself to be angry when Killua is already so vulnerable as he is?

“Killua, just-”

“Gon _,_ ” Killua growls, the dark tone of his voice a warning as his legs twitch on reflex over Gon’s shoulder. “ _Please._ ” He’s angry but he’s worn out, tired and frustrated at Gon’s persistence on pursuing this topic at such an inappropriate time. (But if not now, when? When will they talk about it?)

“Killua…”

“Just fuck me already!” Killua shouts, kicking his legs out in a way that has Gon jolting in surprise, “What are you even waiting for?!”

He freezes at those words, stares blankly at Killua’s flushed face and heaving chest as he trembles on mussed up bed sheets.

He had come. Just then, when Killua had yelled at him, ordered him to-

“You,” he breathes, grip tight over Killua’s thighs as he re-positions himself to a kneel. “You really-“ he moves his hips forward, ignores Killua’s surprised look when he slides his cock right in between Killua’s closed thighs, “- _really_ don’t know, do you?”

“Don’t know what?” Killua says, stubborn but cautious when he waits for what is to come. He grimaces and Gon knows- Killua has noticed that he’s already wet himself without ever being touched, having been surprised into a sort-of climax when Killua had yelled at him.

“You shouldn’t tempt me.”

“Tempt you- _ah._ ”

He breathes, shaky and barely-there breaths as he starts rolling his hips into Killua’s thighs. “I love you,” he says, ignoring the flash of disbelief in blue eyes, “I want- _you_. All of you.” He fucks into slicked heat and groans, head bowing as he breathes lowly in his throat. “I’m selfish. I know that- I just want you all to myself. I want to touch you- I want to do things to you that you’ll never-” he fucks low into Killua’s thighs, grins a wide grin when Killua keens at the slide of their cocks against each other, “ _ever_ forget.”

“You’re _crazy_ ,” Killua snaps out at him, more embarrassed than angry as he covers his mouth with a fist. He stifles a tiny sound when Gon starts moving faster, flushes a hotter red when Gon keeps moving into his thighs like some _animal,_ needy for release and _panting_ for it.

Gon knows. He can tell- and what _pleasure_ it brought him, knowing that he could read Killua somewhat; that Killua is torn between pleasure and discomfiture, torn between wanting to submit to what Gon wants and running away because this is something new to them both, something _intimate_.

“Only for you,” he pants, grins as he lets his hips move of their own accord into Killua’s oil-slicked thighs. At any other time he’d say more, tease Killua more- make him red with embarrassment, trembling with emotion, wide-eyed and surprised- but it’s sort of difficult to when his mind is only half-functioning at the moment.

Killua looks like he has an answer for him until he doesn’t, his hips and thighs jerking in Gon’s hold when Gon moves faster- _rougher­-_ until their cocks are sliding against each in a mess of oil and pre-cum. He doesn’t look scared, or disgusted, or anything bad that Gon had imagined he would be in a worst case scenario. He looks flustered, uncomfortable in his skin- like he _knows_ just how vulnerable he is but he isn’t sure if he really wants to run, if he _has_ to run at all when Gon clearly doesn’t mean to do anything untoward with him.

“Killua,” he moans, using Killua’s legs as leverage while his hips keep moving, pumping into Killua’s closed thighs, “ _Killua._ ”

“ _Mm_ ,” is Killua’s answering moan, the sound stifled by the fist over his mouth. He reaches out a hand (Gon wonders if he’d meant to do that or if his body moved on its own; it’s happened far too often to be impossible) and Gon takes it, squeezes his fingers into the space of Killua’s own as he pushes forward until Killua is bending forward with him. Killua moans at the move, quiets his hitching breath by biting into his hand when Gon keeps fucking into his thighs like it’s no trouble despite his now-raised hips.

“I love you,” is the first thing Killua manages to say when he pulls his fist from his mouth, the words coming out breathy and hazy from wet pink lips. Gon’s hips stutter and he groans, breathing deep enough that his chest heaves with it. The only warning Killua gets is that sound, that deep breath, before Gon is coming all over him- streaking milky white liquid over his stomach and chest until he’s painted a messy canvas of debauched pale seventeen-year old boy and _mine_.

“ _Mine,_ ” he rumbles, mindless and possessive, his hand in Killua’s squeezing tightly enough to let Killua know that he is _wanted_ and _loved_. Killua seems to understand when he keens, mouth opening into a soundless cry when he comes a mess of almost-white liquid all over himself. He’s panting when it’s all over, flushed pink from head to toe and teary-eyed as he trembles from the aftermath of his climax and Gon’s.

“You’re mine,” he whispers, again and again, a mantra both to himself and to Killua as he lowers his legs to the bed.  “ _Mine_ ,” he mumbles, reaching over to touch Killua’s now tear-streaked face, using his thumb to break the trail of liquid on his cheeks. He moves, ignoring the sticky feeling all over his front when he leans in to press butterfly kisses on Killua’s forehead, his eyelids, his nose and his lips. He says, means it with all his heart, “I love you.”

“Gross,” Killua laughs, the sound hoarse and broken on his lips as he grins lopsidedly at Gon’s affectionate kisses. He bats away the hands on his cheeks to wipe at his own tears, still sniffling a bit as he heaves out a sigh.

“Was it?”

Killua blinks up at him, watches with less unease than before when Gon starts cleaning the mess on his body for him. “What?” he asks, stealing a few tissues to wipe up the mess on his chest. He rolls his eyes when Gon makes a face at him. “At least let me clean half of myself, Gon.”

“Fine,” he grumbles. “Did you think it was gross, what we did?”

Killua blinks again, as though he hadn’t expected that question. He should have, shouldn’t he? He’d mostly just acquiesced to what Gon wanted, after all. A blooming dread sits in the pit of his stomach at the thought that Killua might have hated it after all.

“Well, sort of,” Killua says, grimacing when Gon tosses a wad of sopping wet tissues into the bin beside the bed. “That’s a given, isn’t it? You…came all over me. It was gross. Oh, don’t make that face,” Killua says with an exasperated sigh. Gon isn’t sure just what sort of face it is he’s making, but he’s pretty sure it’s _distraught_. He ruined it. He _ruined_ it for Killua. What was the point in doing all of what he did with him? Killua sighs, waves a hand at him to catch his attention and says, “Calm down, jeez. Sex is usually gross.”

“B-but-”

“I liked it,” Killua snaps, blushing as he reaches around Gon to toss his tissues into the bin. “Okay? So don’t get too worried about it.”

He retorts, not satisfied with such a half-hearted response, “But you said-!”

“The physical part was still awkward!” Killua yells, looking more and more embarrassed as he sits up and away from Gon’s quivering tissue-filled hand. “But, since it was with you,” he mumbles, voice becoming smaller, “I didn’t mind…much. It was nice. I liked it when you held my hand.”

Oh.

_Oh._

“Wh-why are you blushing?” Killua sputters in question, pointing an accusatory finger at his face when he blinks in surprise. He raises a hand to his cheeks on instinct and realizes, far too slowly than usual, _Ah, my face is warm._ “You can’t be seriously- we just had _sex!_ ”

“I’m happy,” he blurts out, barely able to help the grin on his face when he settles his clenched fists over his lap. “I was worried that you’d hate it- but…but if you liked it, at least a little bit, then I’m glad!”

“I can’t believe this,” Killua groans, hiding his face in his clean hand as he shakes his head. “You just- you’re something else, Gon.”

“Am I?” he asks. He makes a face at the soppy tissue in his hands before going the wet-wipe route, cleaning Killua up before Killua can start complaining about “being babied”. “I wanted to do it with you because it’s- it’s with _you_. Not because…because I wanted to have sex.”

“I know that,” Killua grumbles, face red with embarrassment when he tries and fails to swipe the wet wipes from Gon’s hand. “It’s the same for me.”

“Is it?” he asks with a grin. He laughs when Killua pokes him in the forehead, the pain only a light sting in the face of Killua’s admission to wanting it for _him_. “I’m glad.”

“You already said that,” Killua mumbles under his breath, folding his arms over his chest once Gon finishes up with his wet wipes. He turns his head and almost jumps out of his skin when Gon steals a kiss from him, the action far easier to do because of Killua being too busy stewing in his embarrassment to actually take full notice of him.

“You cheeky little-”

“I love you,” he says, sincere and sure as he captures Killua’s trembling hand in his to hold. He smiles, a little less teasing and a little more affectionate as he presses a kiss to Killua’s knuckles. “What about you, Killua?”

“…you already know.”

“Doesn’t mean I don’t want to hear it,” he retorts, grinning when Killua makes a face at him.

“I love you too,” Killua says, lips trembling when he looks straight at him. “Even if you’re a cheeky brat.”

Gon laughs, because he hadn’t expected any less. Killua wouldn’t be Killua if he weren’t embarrassed about it, after all.

He leans in, presses another kiss to Killua’s lips that Killua chases after when he pulls away. His heart thrills at the movement but he doesn’t let it show, not wanting Killua to get even more embarrassed than he already is. He can be open to anything else, can tease Killua about anything else, but not to these frail little moments.

He hums, calm and ineffably pleased, “That’s good enough for me.”


	8. rather be

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title was taken from Clean Bandit's song (feat. Jess Glynne), [Rather Be.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cUC_rzsiua8)

It’s a bit like the calm after a storm when they stop. What used to be all heat, a mess of oil and sweat between their bodies, was now silence. Quiet. Something tranquil, and peaceful, _calm-_

or, it’s supposed to be. He can’t help it. Engraved into his skin and bones is the worry for the inevitable backlash that would balance things between them. He couldn’t be happy just like that. That wasn’t possible. There is always something to be given back, something to be paid, something to be taken away in exchange for every little thing that he gets that makes him happy.

It’s just how things are.

As much as he wants to believe that he can indulge himself in this peace, in this contentment he has in being with Gon, he can’t. It’s not _safe_. While he isn’t being controlled anymore, and he _knows_ better than to believe what Illumi thinks, he still can’t- he can’t just _drop_ the ideas planted into his head since he was a child. He can’t just start thinking that happiness is easily gotten, easily deserved, without ever asking for recompense.

He likes being with Gon. He’s happy that he can be with him, that Gon loves him back, that Gon loves him enough to accept everything about him- but he can’t stop thinking about what he owes the world to have all of it, to have _any_ of it at all.

“Killua,” Gon groans behind him, arms squeezing loosely around his waist. “You’re thinking too loud.”

“’m not,” he grumbles back, turning around until he has Gon fitting right into his arms. Black locks brush against his chin and he purses his lips, frowning a bit as he shifts to make sure they’re both comfortable.

“You are,” Gon mumbles, voice a haze of satisfaction and playful teasing as he presses a kiss against Killua’s collar bone. Killua tenses on instinct, still unused to the affectionate gesture- even more so given the recent development in their relationship.

He doesn’t want to think about it in that way. He doesn’t want to _think_ that sex could change anything between them, but he knows that it could. It can. It already _has_ , because now he can’t help from feeling a little too uncomfortable in his skin like he did something he shouldn’t, like…like Gon has one more thing of his (of _him_ ) that could never be taken back.

He’s not childish enough to think that it’s because it was their first time with each other. It’s not that simple. It’s the fact that he let Gon _touch_ him; he let Gon imprint the feeling of being wanted, being loved, into his body. It was one thing to be told that he was loved, to have the words dissolved into the air after a second of it being spoken, and it was another thing to have those words marked onto his skin like something permanent.

He can still feel it. If he moves, just the slightest bit, he’ll remember: Gon’s lips on his neck, Gon’s teeth on his skin, Gon’s hands on every part of his body he didn’t think he’d ever let anyone else touch. It’s not just him thinking of Gon, now. It’s not just thoughts, or memories, or feelings- it’s Gon kissing right under his jaw, Gon’s hands sliding up his hips, Gon’s _everything_ for every move he makes.

_I wonder how the world would break if you left me again._

Gon mumbles something into his chest, the sound sending enough vibrations into his skin to bring him back to reality. “What?” he asks, blinking in bemusement as Gon pulls away to look at him.

“I said “we’ll never really know”,” Gon huffs, frowning as he squints up at him. “Since I’ll never leave you.”

“Huh..?”

“You asked how the world would break if I left,” Gon explains, scooting up until they’re at eye-level with each other.

“I didn’t-“

He cuts himself off, wide-eyed and flushed when he realizes that he’d spoken those words aloud. Gon raises an eyebrow as if to say “told you so”. “I didn’t mean to say that out loud,” he manages to say, the words a mumble as he turns to lie on his back to avoid Gon’s gaze.

“I know.”

Killua scoffs at Gon’s certainty. “I’m sure you do.”

“I love you.”

Killua swallows at the non sequitur, dull nails dragging red lines over the hand he has resting on his stomach. Gon gives him a look when he notices and he stops, worrying his lower lip between sharp teeth instead. “I know,” he says after a moment, the words tasting like lies on his tongue.

“You’re not sure about that,” Gon tells him, a frown on his face when Killua turns to look. “If you were, you wouldn’t be thinking about me leaving. You’d know that I wouldn’t do that.”

“You can’t control everything that happens to you, or to me,” he replies, an undercurrent of frustration and weariness in his voice when he speaks. “You’re stubborn, but you can’t- you can’t always get your way.”

“I’ll always find a way,” Gon says. He clenches his hands into fists, annoyed at Gon’s insistence, until he looks at Gon and sees the sheer determination on his face and in his eyes. “If it’s for you, I’ll always find a way to stay.”

“The world can’t always bend to your will, as much as you’d like to think that it would,” he retorts, frowning as he turns his gaze away and to the wall to his right. “You should have realized that by now, Gon.”

“I can try anyway.”

His breath catches in his throat when he feels Gon’s warmth seeping into his bare back. He turns and finds Gon already looming over him, his arms a safe cage by his shoulders when he looks down. “Gon,” he says; only a name but meaning so much more in the soft tone of his voice.

“Killua,” Gon says, meaning the same when the frustration on his face softens into a quiet and resigned affection. “I’m not going to leave. I’ll say it over and over again if I have to.”

“You don’t need to do that.”

“It looks like I do,” Gon says, something teasing but gentle in his tone when he moves to a sitting position beside him. His arms move away, leaving Killua free of the caging hold, before reaching out once more to take his hand in a firm grasp. Killua’s heart trembles at the touch, quivering like something _weak_ in his chest when he squeezes Gon’s hand back.

He’s weak, so _weak_ for Gon, but he wouldn’t choose to be anything else. He’s already fallen too deep to pull away now.

“Sorry,” he mumbles, looking down at their joined hands. He means it, even if he still thinks that it’s inevitable for Gon to leave.

“I know,” Gon says, smiling as he raises Killua’s hand and presses a kiss to pale knuckles. “It’s okay. I’ll make you believe me, somehow.”

He smiles, laughs at Gon’s determination. Not because he doesn’t believe him, but because he does; because if there was anyone who was stubborn enough to make him change his mind about anything, it would be Gon.

He says, grinning as he squeezes Gon’s hand in his, “We’ll see.”


	9. kiss me slowly

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title was taken from Parachute's song, [Kiss Me Slowly.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F7RbBB-lT5o)

The moment he blinks his eyes open, he expects to see white. The ceiling, the walls around him; all painted a creamy white that’s dull enough to not hurt his eyes. He expects it, but what he gets is something else entirely.

It’s a surprise big enough to jolt him into wakefulness and his heart into overdrive, the erratic _thump-thump_ ing thundering loud in his ears like a drumming song.

Black lashes, fluttering every now and then on sun-kissed skin, and black hair with hints of green fill his vision when he rubs away the evidence of sleep in his eyes. He breathes when he realizes just who it is, fingers rubbing on the crease in his forehead as he wills the embarrassment away from heating his cheeks. _Stupid. It’s just Gon,_ he thinks, even though he’s never really woken like this (naked, warm, and _sticky_ ) before. He’s used to waking up dirty and bloodied from falling asleep in dungeons, but this…this is different.

This is more comfortable, for one.

(A whole lot more embarrassing too.)

He grunts as he pulls himself up into a seated position, grimacing once he remembers just _why_ his thighs feel so sticky. He doesn’t bother to look down at his legs (god knows he’d just embarrass himself further if he looked at what wasn’t there anymore) when he shifts himself around to get to his feet.

He’s barely taken a step out of the bed when a warm hand encircles his wrist, tugging him back with the force of someone who’s barely gotten his faculties up to par.

That is, it’s weak. The grip is so loose that Killua could just shake Gon’s hand off, but he doesn’t do that. Instead, he tries to pry the fingers off of his wrist with minimum strength- keyword: _tries_ , because for someone barely awake, Gon really doesn’t seem to want to let go.

“Don’t,” Gon mumbles, voice a soft hum as he frowns in his sleep. “Don’t…”

“I’m just going to take a shower,” he says, trying to remove Gon’s grip on his wrist again. He sighs when Gon still doesn’t let up. “Gon, really.”

“Mmm.”

“I swear,” he grumbles under his breath. He gives pulling his hand away a try, before stopping once he realizes that all it’s doing is dragging Gon towards him. “Just let go already, jeez!” he hisses.

Brown eyes flicker open, still hazy with dreams and sleep as he blinks at Killua. “Stay,” is all Gon says, closing his eyes again as he tugs him closer. There’s more force in the grip than Killua had expected and he stumbles forward, too easily swayed because of the abrupt shift in the strength of Gon’s hold. “Please.”

“I feel gross,” he says (he doesn’t _whine_ ), making a face as he lets himself be pulled back into the bed. He sits instead of lying down, waiting with little patience for Gon to release his grip over his wrist. “I’ll take a quick shower, then I’ll come back.”

“No you won’t,” Gon mumbles, one brown eye peeking open to look askance at him. “You think the bed is gross. You’re not going to come back.”

“W _ell_ ,” he says, dragging the ‘e’ out when he looks away.

But really, why would he lie back down on the bed when he  _knows_ what they’d done on it the night before? He  _will_ come back, just…not to the bed. Gon should understand that, at least.

“I was right,” Gon huffs, closing both eyes again.

That’s all the warning he gets before Gon puts more strength into his grip, pulling him close with only a hand on his wrist to tug him forward. He yelps but he lets himself fall, a hand already prepared to soften his landing, until he finds himself not needing it when he’s taken into Gon’s arms.

Gon’s very warm and _very sweaty_ arms.

“ _Ugh_ ,” he groans, trying to pull away from the embrace to no avail. “Gon!”

“Killua,” Gon murmurs childishly back, eyes still closed as he turns until they’re both on their sides on the bed. “Just stay still and let me hug you.”

“Get a pillow if you want something to hug,” he snaps, giving up temporarily on the struggle for freedom in favor of shooting a glare Gon’s way. He’s aware of Gon’s tendency for selfishness, but this is a bit too much. Gon isn’t usually the type to be whiny about being left alone for a moment.

“It has to be you.”

“You always say that.”

“Only because it’s true. I want to hug you.”

“Hug me when we’ve both already showered, then.”

He raises an eyebrow when he gets a frown in reply. Gon only barely manages to open his eyes, his brows furrowed as he squints at Killua. “Don’t wanna.”

He rolls his eyes at the childishness. “Then no. Let me up.”

”Killua,” Gon tries again. His voice is soft and Killua shuts his mouth, lips thinning into a firm line as he waits for what Gon has to say. “Please stay,” he continues, voice just as soft- if not softer, as he opens his eyes fully to look at him.

Pleading. Wanting.                                   

And something else.

There’s a silent fear in brown eyes and he grits his teeth, jaw locking with the motion as he watches the flashes of emotion in Gon’s face. “…I’m not going anywhere far,” he manages to say, swallowing the snarky retort he’d had at the ready when he sees the look on Gon’s face. He sees dimming lights in brown eyes, the slight tremble in his lips-

It occurs to him a little too late that this is Gon being _scared_ about something. But what? He’d only wanted to leave for a bit to shower- it’s not like he was planning to abandon him the moment Gon lets him go.

“Just this once,” Gon says, voice trailing into silence until Killua almost thinks he’s fallen asleep again. The notion that Gon is asleep disappears the moment he scoots closer, fitting his head right under Killua’s chin as he hugs him close with strong but gentle arms looped around his waist. “Let me be selfish. Please.”

He worries on his lower lip at the odd request. It’s definitely not the weirdest one he’s gotten from Gon (definitely not the worst, ever since his burned hands), but it’s strange in that he actually admitted to wanting to be spoiled by him. It’s usually an unspoken agreement- not quite an agreement as it was resignation on Killua’s part-, that Killua would acquiesce to his selfish wishes without having to be asked. (He’d comment on how much of a _lie_ it is for Gon to say “just this once” too, but they both know that it wouldn’t matter.)

He doesn’t say anything for a while, waiting for Gon to take back what he said, or for him to admit to something else. Anything at all that would explain his odd behavior.

He gets-

silence.

Then more silence.

 _Guess not,_ he thinks with a disappointed sigh. The idea that Gon would make it easy for him seems to be a far off dream, judging from his continuing silence. They’re dancing to the same tune, playing the same game- but their roles have reversed, Gon being the one to hide from him instead of the other way around. “You’re unfair,” he mumbles, letting his eyes fall shut as he slips one arm under Gon’s head with the other wrapped over his shoulder and back.

It’s unfair, but he has more than enough patience to play along. It’s a song he’s sung for years and years, and he knows it well enough to be able to figure out Gon’s tune.

“I know,” Gon says.

A pause.

Then--

He feels the vibrations of Gon’s laughter on his chest, and he scoffs. Affectionately, softly, he says with a kiss pressed into black locks,

“Idiot.”

_As if I’d ever leave, anyway._


	10. thinking out loud

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title was based on Ed Sheeran's song, [Thinking Out Loud.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tYQypIOFN6w)

“Mm…”

Gon groans when he wakes, the bed creaking in protest when he rolls over until he’s on his back. Dazed and head full of fluff, he yawns, rubbing at his eyes to get rid of the blurriness underneath his eyelids. Vaguely, he notices something different- something _off_ \- but what was it?

He rolls over to his left and he thinks, _Ah._

_It’s this._

He smiles, reaching out to toy with silver-white locks. The touch is careful, gentle so he won’t wake Killua, until it’s not. He runs his hand through white locks and Killua mumbles an incoherent reply, burrowing deeper into the blanket they’re sharing.

 _Are you really asleep?_ Gon wonders, smiling in amusement. He props his head up with a hand under his chin, his elbow resting on one of their pillows, before moving his other arm to tug the blanket up over Killua’s shoulder. He lets his arm stay where it is instead of removing it, scooting closer until he’s half-cuddling Killua to his chest. Killua makes a tiny sound at the movement but doesn’t resist, remaining asleep (?) even as Gon starts tracing circles over pale skin covered only by a single fabric.

He wonders how Killua will react, finding them both like this after far too many hours of rest and far too few showers.

 _He’ll probably be angry,_ he thinks, grinning to himself as he smoothes over the wrinkles on the blanket resting on Killua’s shoulders. He’d stopped Killua far too many times from his attempts at leaving for a shower just because he wanted him to stay for a bit to cuddle, so it’s understandable that Killua would get irritated with him.

Well, ‘a bit’ is probably an understatement. The first few times were still reasonable, since Killua would probably agree that it’d ruin the afterglow if he left too early just because he wanted to clean up.

The times after that were, perhaps, too much. But Killua didn’t really leave, so.

It’s not his fault, technically. Killua shouldn’t be too angry. (Hopefully.)

“I love you,” he murmurs, just because he can. A smile tugs at the corners of Killua’s lips and he grins, chest clenching with the giddy feeling of having his feelings reciprocated. Because they are, aren’t they? Killua loves him back. Killua loves him _back_ and he admitted to it. He didn’t say that he liked Gon because Gon told him first. He wasn’t forced to. He didn’t lie.

Killua _loves him back._

He inhales, pressing his lips firmly together before he can accidentally let a happy sound escape. He really doesn’t want to wake Killua up just yet. It’s selfish, but…it’s not a bad thing to want to bask in this quiet happiness for a while, is it? As much as Gon loves Killua being (loudly) embarrassed about it, and as much as he finds it amusing to watch, he still likes it best when Killua is quietly pliant for him. Pliant in that he accepts the affectionate gestures, his honest words, and everything else he can give without making a fuss about it. It’s rare, but it happens, and Gon _loves_ it.

He smiles as he watches dark lashes fluttering over pale skin. _You’re beautiful_ , he thinks, tries not to exhale too loudly when lowers his head to rest on his folded up arm. He strokes silver-white hair, watches the peaceful expression on Killua’s face and reminds himself, _And you’re mine, now._

To think, Killua would accept him despite all his mistakes and his failings. He knew that Killua loved him, but that didn’t mean that Killua _admitting_ to loving him back was a sure thing. There was always the possibility that Killua would prefer to run away, that Killua wouldn’t want to open up to him again, that Killua would have found someone else—

He shudders at the thought.

Yet, for all his conviction when it comes to Killua’s feelings, he knows that Killua could have chosen someone else. He knows that Killua could’ve chosen to be alone, that Killua could’ve picked Alluka after all. He could’ve been alone again, just like before, and it would be his fault.

 _Because I hurt you_ , he thinks to himself, frowning as he trails his fingers from silver locks to pale skin. Gently, he places his palm flat on Killua’s cheek, cupping his face with a touch full of reverence. _But you chose to stay with me anyway._

_Because you love me._

His vision blurs and he scrunches his nose, annoyed at the single tear trailing from his eye down to his face. His chest feels tight again but for a different reason; he feels awed, humbled, that Killua chose him at all. He feels like he doesn’t deserve this- but that thought only lasts for a moment, because he _does_. He _does_ deserve this; he deserves this happiness, and so does Killua.

 _I wouldn’t be happy with anyone else,_ he thinks, rubbing his face over his arm to wipe away the tears, _and neither would Killua._

“-r hand’s hot…”

“Huh?” he blurts out, surprised that Killua has stopped the charade of being asleep. He smiles at the sight of blue eyes blinking open and asks, thumb tracing circles over Killua’s cheek, “What was that?”

“I said your hand’s hot,” Killua grumbles, squinting at him in annoyance before swatting the hand on his cheek away. “Idiot.”

“Mean,” he huffs with a puffed up cheek. Killua rolls his eyes before prodding at his cheek, making him let out a weird sound when he releases the air in his mouth.

“Still a kid,” Killua says, an amused smile on his face as he lightly pinches Gon’s cheek.

“So are you,” he says, smiling back as he takes Killua’s hand in his. He fits his fingers between Killua’s, smile softening with a gentle kind of affection that’s apparently enough to make Killua blush. “You’re beautiful.”

“B-beautiful,” Killua repeats, stunned as he stares at Gon and the serious expression on his face.

“Mm, that’s right.” He hums, curling his fingers into Killua’s palm while Killua does the same. “I love you.”

 _I love you_ , he thinks again, turning his head to press a kiss into Killua’s palm. _I’m sorry isn’t enough anymore. I love you. I love you so much._

“Will I ever get used to this,” Killua says, the question a rhetorical one as he raises an eyebrow at Gon. There’s a little less of Killua’s bemusement now, and a lot more of his resignation at having to deal with this.

He smiles. _So it’s working after all._

“You will,” he promises, grinning as he squeezes Killua’s hand in his. Yet, despite his certainty, he hears it; there’s a little voice in his head, niggling at his thoughts, making him wonder if this really is the right thing to do. Is it right, to give so much of him even when Killua acts so hesitantly so often? Is it safe?

“I’d give everything for you,” he says, closing his eyes as he lets his hand and Killua’s rest against his lips. It’s as much an answer to his own question as it is a confession, and he hopes Killua understands. Killua is smart, after all.

He breathes in, exhales, and opens brown eyes to look at Killua’s face. Quiet, contemplating. He keeps looking- doesn’t know if it’s because he wants to assure Killua that he means what he said, or if he just needs something ( _someone_ ) to anchor him to reality.

A minute ticks by. There’s a comfortable sort of silence and it’s enough to let Gon know that Killua doesn’t plan on saying anything, which doesn’t come off as much of a surprise. The confession was a sudden one, after all- and it had weight. He couldn’t expect Killua to have a response at the ready for that.

 Yet Killua surprises him when he says,

“Same here,” blithe in his words but not in his gaze, the words just as much of a promise as he squeezes his fingers against Gon’s. He smiles and there’s something sad beneath it, mixed in with soft happiness and contentment. “I’d give anything to stay with you.”

_There._

_It’s there,_ his mind needles, though the tiny voice is lost on him as he stares at the amused look on Killua’s face.

_It’s always been there._

He bursts into a grin and Killua laughs, the sound so beautiful that it echoes in his heart when he tugs him close. “I’m glad,” he says, meaning it with all his heart when he murmurs it into Killua’s chest, “I’m so _glad_ , Killua.”

“You’re easy to please, sometimes,” Killua says, hints of laughter still in his voice as he wraps his own arms over Gon’s shoulders.

(He is, but he’s not. Killua wouldn’t know, not having been with him when he went back to Whale Island.)

He’s happy because Killua is with him. That’s all it is.


	11. i choose you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter title was based on Sara Bareilles' song, [I Choose You.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ooiLP_zqnFs)

“Hey, have you seen my…?”

He trails off into silence the moment he sees what’s behind the bathroom door, taking a moment to fully process just what it is he’s looking at. He murmurs a tiny and surprised “oh” when his mind finally digests just what it is he’s seeing; that is, Killua wearing his green jacket and shorts.

“Seen what?” Killua asks while stepping out, as though he’s the one who usually borrows clothes from the other- which he doesn’t. It’s always the other way around, what with Gon’s own wardrobe being limited to a sleeveless top, a jacket, a pair of shorts, and his boots. On the other hand, Killua…

“Oi,” Killua grumbles and Gon straightens up on reflex, going cross-eyed and tense with surprise when he finally notices the fingers snapping right in his face. “Snap out of it, Gon,” Killua says, a touch annoyed at being called out then ignored. He folds his arms over his chest and Gon’s jacket on his body bunches up with the movement, far too much space left unoccupied by Killua’s lanky frame, and Gon thinks- _quietly_ \- that he likes it like this.

But lanky isn’t the right word, is it? Lanky usually means tall without knowing how to work with such height, all angles and awkwardness-- but Killua isn’t like that.

Killua is grace and strength packed into a body thinner than his, and he always knows what to do with what he has.

“I was going to ask if you’d seen my shorts,” he begins, grinning cheekily when Killua visibly swallows in response, “but I think I already found them.”

“You ruined my clothes,” Killua points out, the statement seemingly coming out of nowhere until Gon remembers just _why_ Killua is borrowing his clothes. Gon’s gaze trails down to his shorts hanging low around Killua’s hips and he winces, remembering just how badly he’d messed up the other day while they were training. He hadn’t meant to rip Killua’s pants into uselessness, but it had happened anyway when he’d lost control of what nen he’d had.

He’s thankful (really!) that he has nen at all, but it’s just so _frustrating_ to have to re-learn everything at a snail’s pace. He’d ended up misusing his nen against Killua’s orders, and now Killua was left with nothing to wear but his spare clothes since most of his own clothes still weren’t dry from being washed the day before.

“I know,” he says, pouting as he bows his head. He can already feel Killua rolling his eyes without having to look up and he frowns harder, his eyebrows furrowing when he adds, “I’m really sorry.”

“You better be,” Killua snaps, expression dark despite the wide smile on his face. Gon wouldn’t have noticed the look at all had it not been for Killua’s hands forcing him to look up, pale fingers pinching into his cheeks and tugging enough to _hurt_.

“Oww!” he whines, tugging with futile effort on Killua’s wrists. “That hurts-!”

“Be _careful_ next time,” Killua bites out, words firm when he says them as he lets go of Gon’s cheeks. “What if you’d aimed somewhere else- somewhere higher up? Right at my chest, maybe?” he says, voice gentle and soft despite how _heavy_ his words feel on Gon’s shoulders.

He pales at the notion, says, “No- no way. I wouldn’t have done that.” Because it’s Killua. His best friend, his most important person—there was no way he’d do something as stupid as that. There’s just _no way_.

Killua raises an eyebrow. “You half-destroyed my clothes. Your anger-” then he sighs, shakes his head while rubbing at his temple with his fingers like he doesn’t want to deal with it anymore.

(Vaguely, Gon thinks that maybe this is what being a disappointment feels like. It feels horrible.)

“You need to find a way to fix it,” Killua says, calmer this time, blue eyes filled with a soft kind of warmth as he places both hands on Gon’s shoulders in reassurance. “It’s not impossible. You just need to learn how to be patient, and I’m here to help you with that. Got it?”

“I know that,” he says, frowning still. He takes Killua’s hands from his shoulders, holds them both in a clasp before kissing fingertips roughened by sparring. Killua blushes (as he’d expected him to) and he starts to smile, feeling the weight in his chest grow lighter as he reconsiders his thoughts. Killua isn’t angry at him; he’s concerned because he doesn’t want him to accidentally do something that would make him hate himself. Killua’s frustrated because he _cares_ , and he’s not going to stop caring just because of this one thing.

Killua loves him, after all. Killua’s not going to leave (he feels his heart drop just _thinking_ about it) because he made a mistake. He just needs to change so he won’t hurt him ( _again_ ). He can do that, at least. _For Killua_ , he promises himself with an internal nod.

“Do you?” Killua asks, his tone teasing as he flicks a finger out to hit his nose.

He makes a small disgruntled sound at the flick, nose scrunching on instinct. Then he smiles, catching Killua off-guard enough to elicit a blink of wide blue eyes at him. “Yeah, I do. Killua is really patient with me, huh?” he says, lips brushing against pale fingers. He smiles when Killua sighs in response, the sound telling of how Killua has already given up on dealing with his teasing. “You must love me a lot,” he says, just because he can- because, maybe, he’s hoping to get a reaction out of him.

But Killua doesn’t blush, nor does he stutter. He just slides his hands out of Gon’s grasp like he hadn’t heard what he’d said- which is _impossible._ Killua has good hearing, almost as much as him, and his gaze had flickered from his face to the side when he’d said it. Because he’d _heard_ it. Disappointment starts welling inside him, cold and uncomfortably heavy on his chest and stomach, until Killua says, “That wasn’t obvious already?”

… _huh?_

“…huh?”

 “Idiot,” Killua says, the insult more affectionate than anything else when he sticks his thumbs into his ( _Gon’s_ ) shorts’ pockets. “It’s obvious enough, isn’t it?” Then he tilts his head, trying to act casual when he smiles. Gon _knows_ that he’s just acting calm about it because 1. he can see Killua fidgeting, though discreetly enough that anyone else wouldn’t notice, and 2. he’s _blushing._

“I love you,” Killua says.

Unspoken, Gon hears,

_I’m not leaving. I’ll stay, and I’ll help you._

_That’s what best friends are for, right?_

He grins, taking Killua’s hands in his with a gentleness that is unlike him as he leans forward until their foreheads are touching. It’s unfair, he knows, getting to be so happy when he’d _just_ ruined Killua’s clothes the other night- but he doesn’t think he can care about it as much when Killua is blushing at him. (Why would he get such wonderful things if he didn’t deserve them, anyway? That makes no sense.)

He says, eyes surely shining when he squeezes Killua’s hands in his,

“I love you too, Killua.”

Killua’s eyes widen, surprised for only a moment before his gaze softens into affectionate acceptance. _You understand, right?_ Gon asks without every saying it out loud, his smile widening when Killua squeezes his hands back.

_I’m so glad you’re with me._


	12. sweet disposition

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter title was taken from The Temper Trap's song, [Sweet Disposition](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W-ENipUB8NI).

_Sweet._

He feels Killua’s eyelashes fluttering like butterfly kisses over his cheek, the minute brushing movements tickling him enough to rouse him from his momentary daze. Parting from the kiss, he licks his lips- still chasing after the taste of Killua on his tongue- and says absently, “It tastes sweet.”

Killua jerks as though stung, blue eyes wide when he stares at him in the same way he’d done when he’d licked ice cream off of pale fingers just the other day. “What?” he asks, donning a confused smile in response to Killua’s apparent shock. What he’d said didn’t merit that big a reaction, did it?

“Sweet, huh,” Killua mutters, nervously looking away as he takes a step back from him. “It’s probably because of what we ate earlier.”

“No, I don’t think that’s it,” he says, arms coming up and around Killua’s waist before he can fully step away. Killua makes a tiny squeaking sound at the touch but doesn’t struggle, though his sharp nails do well in stinging Gon a bit when they scrape red lines over his arms. It does nothing to sway him considering how it’s a tiny pain compared to…well, everything else he’s already experienced. Killua has always been generous when it comes to doling out pain, after all, and he never holds back just because he’s sparring with his best friend.

But that’s going off track.

“It tastes like…like artificial fruit?” he says, licking his lips again just to get another taste of it. He already knows just what the cause of this taste is, having seen Killua using a stick of lip balm weeks ago, but that doesn’t mean he’s going to make it easy for him by saying so. That wouldn’t be any fun, would it?

Where’s the fun in being honest about it when he could just tease the answer out of Killua, anyway?

“The hell are you talking about?” Killua asks, snippy when he puts his hands up to settle them on Gon’s chest, sharp nails digging into slightly broader shoulders. It hurts, yet Gon can’t help a grin when he sees Killua still blushing. “I didn’t taste anything.”

“No, I’m sure I tasted something sweet,” he says, raising his head until his lips brush against Killua’s again. Killua jerks back on instinct, face flushed despite how this isn’t the first time they’ve done this sort of thing, before slowly relaxing. It’s gradual as anything else when it comes to him, slow and careful, which Gon doesn’t mind at all. He’s never been one to take care of other people like this, and he finds that it’s nice to do something new every once in a while.

Being gentle with Killua is something he’s never done before too, so it’s only fair that he do it now, right? Killua deserves to have someone take care of him, to have someone who’ll treat him gently, considering how prone he is to submitting to the people he loves in the worst ways possible. Sure, he can stand his ground on a lot of things—but not on the more important things, like his _own_ welfare.

He hates it. Knowing that he’d been one of the people to hurt Killua just makes him hate it even more.

“You-”

“Shh,” he hushes, grinning in that way he does when he plans on getting his way with something, “I need to test something.”

Killua snaps his mouth shut at that. He frowns in question despite his acquiescing silence, probably confused at what Gon wants to do. Though really- _really_ , Killua should have expected it by now. He knows Gon well enough to figure out his motives for most of his actions, after all.

He cranes his neck back, tilting his head enough to fit his lips on Killua’s in a kiss. A small humming sound escapes Killua in reply and he moves his hands, sliding them up until they’re carefully moving to caress pale cheeks dusted pink. Killua’s hands move at the same time as his do, sliding over crescent-marked shoulders to wrap pale arms around Gon’s neck.

He already has his hands on the back of Killua’s head when he dares to slide his tongue out, licking over Killua’s lips and tasting something like _strawberries._ Unlike Killua, he expects it; he keeps his hands firm on the back of Killua’s head when he starts an attempt at pulling away, not letting up on getting the taste of strawberries from pink and shiny-wet lips until Killua actually starts nipping at his lower lip.

“ _Asshole_ ,” Killua pants once he pulls away, face flushed when Gon finally opens his eyes to look at him. “Why would you-“

“Strawberries,” he replies, grinning (perhaps a bit too dazedly) before he licks his lips. Killua’s gaze follows the motion and he grins again, laughing a bit when Killua takes on the look of someone who’s realized that he’d been caught doing something he shouldn’t. “That’s what your lips taste like.”

“You’re disgusting,” Killua grumbles, reaching up to pinch him by his cheeks. He whines at the stinging pain and tries to pry Killua’s hands away by his wrists, only to end up surprised when Killua lets him. He blinks, staring for a bit with a gaping mouth, until Killua tips his chin up and his mouth closed with a hand. “Should’ve figured you’d do that,” Killua says, looking a lot like he’s torn between annoyance and amusement, “what with you being strange and all.”

“You’re one to talk,” he huffs with a pout, before taking a step back and plopping gracelessly back onto their shared bed. “Since when did you use lip balm, anyway?”

“Since Alluka told me to,” Killua answers simply, the gleam in his eyes and his half-resigned, half-amused (definitely all-affectionate, despite how it may sound like he’s just being overconfident) smile letting Gon know that he’s figured out that he already knows. “She noticed my chapped lips and bought the lip balm for me.”

“Mm, that was a good idea,” he says, grinning widely at how Killua rolls his eyes in response. “It tastes great on you, Killua.”

“Like I said: disgusting,” Killua bites out, the threatening tone not quite as effective when he’s blushing so much. He’d thought that Killua would be used to him and his frankness by now, but apparently not. (He’s never going to complain about it though, since it’s cute.)

“Only for you,” he says, bursting into a laugh when Killua shoots a scandalized look at him.

“I hope you realize how creepy you sound,” Killua tells him, going past the bed to head for the bathroom. He divests himself of his overshirt right before he reaches the bathroom door, consequently giving Gon a good view of his back flexing under thin white garment right as he steps from wooden floors to cold tiles.

He grins as he makes his way to the center of the bed. Heavily, he lets himself fall, sighing when he feels soft sheets under his cheek. “That’s not creepy, though? I just said that strawberry-flavored lip balm tastes nice on you,” he says, words half-stifled by fluffy bed sheets.

“ _Creepy_ ,” Killua repeats, before shutting the door behind him—a clear sign that he doesn’t want to talk about it anymore. (Gon can bet with certainty that Killua only took to the bathroom at all because he was embarrassed and needed to regain some composure.)

He giggles as he rolls over to lie on his back, both of his hands covering his face as he stifles the excess of excited laughter from having gotten a kiss like that out of Killua. He calls it creepy, but it’d probably be more accurate to call it “excessively honest”. They both know what creepy really is, after all, and Gon is far from it.

It’s a good thing he’d refrained from saying that Killua was delicious, then; otherwise he’d _definitely_ be classified as creepy.


	13. pardon me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is (kind of???) an extension to [this chapter](http://archiveofourown.org/works/2356244/chapters/5199587) of so far gone.
> 
> Sorry for the really really long hiatus, friends ;;-;; I've been busy- I /am/ still busy with uni, and I sort of lost interest in HxH for a while because I got into other things (e.g. WTNV, Gravity Falls). I actually still don't know whether or not I'm gonna update one hundred, so....it'd probably be best not to keep your hopes up, since I am still really busy with uni, and life in general. I'm really sorry for disappointing you guys, but I honestly am really grateful for all your support!! You guys are honestly the best fandom that any writer/artist could ask for, bc all y'all are really nice, sweet, and supportive. I really do appreciate it! <3
> 
> The title for this chapter is based on He Is We's Song, [Pardon Me](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H52f0hAFL0w).

“Ne, Killua.”

“Mm?” he hums his acknowledgment, tilting his head away from his view of the moon to his right to let Gon know that he’s caught his attention. The flowers in his hair, a crown of blue blooms that Gon had insisted he wear, rustle in protest against dew-wet grass at his slight movement.

“I was thinking,” Gon begins, voice trailing away to soft silence.

He waits.

Then, when he figures Gon is going to take a long time, he says sotto voce:

“That’s new.”                                                                                                         

He peeks to his right just in time to catch Gon blinking, looking bemused, until he grasps the meaning behind his words. “Hey!” Gon shouts in complaint, cheeks puffed up in annoyance at the indirect insult.

“You were taking too long,” he says as an explanation, laughing when Gon huffs and flops down onto his back in response. “Just tell me what you wanted to say, Gon.”

Gon scoffs and turns up his nose in response, though the put-off look isn’t achieved all that well from his supine position on the ground. “Maybe I shouldn’t,” Gon grumbles.

He rolls his eyes. “Seriously?” he asks, before rolling to his right until he’s flat on his stomach and his arms are folded under his chest. “C’mon, just tell me. Or do you want me to tickle it out of you?” He grins when Gon turns a disbelieving look at him. “I’m serious about that.”

“You’re so mean,” Gon mumbles, just before putting both of his hands to his face to muffle his groans of complaint. “ _Nngh_. And I was going to say something important.”

He perks up at that, asks, “Really?” Smiling widely like a cat having caught the canary, he crawls closer, before settling himself just a few inches beside Gon. He pauses for a moment, contemplating, before squinting in suspicion at Gon’s bright smile. “Is your definition of important the same as you thinking that I need to have flowers in my hair?”

“I didn’t say you needed it; I just said that you looked nice with it,” Gon explains, as though he were some sort of seven-year old needing guidance for the simplest of things, as though there is nothing  _embarrassing_  about saying that your best friend of how many years looks- well- _good_  with flowers in his hair.

It’s surprising how he hasn’t spontaneously combusted yet from the heat too-often pooling in his pale cheeks.

“Yeah, whatever, you’re weird,” he waves it off, grinning when Gon rolls his eyes at him in response. “What were you going to say?”

Because Gon has no concept of shame and social boundaries, he says,

“You’re like the moon, Killua.”

There’s a thoughtful silence, momentarily interrupted by the chirp of crickets, then,

“…what?”

“You’re like the moon,” Gon repeats patiently, turning to lie on his side as he smiles at him. Again, he feels the heat rushing up to his cheeks, surely painting his skin red with embarrassment at Gon’s odd way of saying things.

“Why the moon?” he asks, not bothering to add,  _is it because I don’t have a light of my own?_ , because that’s definitely not going to go over well with him.

“You know that the moon has a pull on the ocean waters, right?” Gon asks, to which he nods.

“And I’m like the moon because..?” he lets his voice trail away, giving a subtle request for elaboration on Gon’s part.

“Because you’re like that, kind of. You have,” Gon frowns, setting his arms in front of him to make a gesture like he’s copying the shape of a cylinder, “this pull.”

“I have…a pull,” he repeats, resting his cheek on his propped up hand. “On what?”

Gon smiles. It’s been a long time of them being separated, and they’ve only just started hanging out again, but Killua can tell; that smile is a prelude to Gon saying something that will embarrass him. He can  _feel_  it in his bones.

“Me.” There’s a pause, the silence on Gon’s part syncing with the sudden jump of his heart, before he adds, “And other people too! There’s something about you that makes me want to keep close.”

It’s  _then_  that he starts sputtering, because  _what?_

_What did he just say?_

“Wh- what-”

“You’re like the moon because you pull me to you,” Gon says, looking proud of himself for having clearly said what he was having trouble with saying before. “Yeah! That’s it.”

“Wh- That’s-” he stutters, heat rising up to his ears and down to his neck as he scrambles to sit up just so he has an excuse to scoot a little bit away,  enough that Gon won’t get a clear view of his flushed face. “ _How_  can you say something so embarrassing with a straight face _?_ ”

Gon doesn’t giggle as he usually does. Instead, he blinks, and says as though it’s a basic fact of life, “It’s nothing embarrassing, though? I’m just saying what I think about you.”

“I don’t think that’s something you’d normally say to your friends,” he mumbles, scratching at the back of his head with a nervous air.

“Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t,” Gon says with a shrug. “But I said it because I meant it, and I wanted you to know. And!” he adds, grinning again, “and the moon is pretty, just like-”

“ _Alright!_  I’m heading back,” he exclaims, hopping to his feet and jogging away before Gon can start with his compliments on his looks again.

“Killua!” Gon whines, voice growing quieter in the increasing distance between them. “ _Killuaaaa._ ”

“I’m heading back to the house because I’m tired!” he shouts back as an explanation, turning just a bit to see if Gon’s following, before turning back to the path when he sees Gon running after him. “You should be getting back too, anyway,” he adds, smiling softly when Gon finally catches up with him, “since you’ve been yawning since we started star-gazing.”

“I guess,” Gon admits hesitantly, not looking at all pleased with having to be told that he should sleep. Then, he asks, “Will you be staying with Alluka again tonight?”

“Yeah, of course,” he says, raising an eyebrow when Gon sighs quietly in response. “Why? I always sleep in her room whenever we’re here.”

“It just,” Gon begins, the furrow of his brows and the downward curl of his lips telling of his frustration with finding the right words, “it makes me miss you, a bit.”

He almost stumbles on a rock at those words. “ _What?_ ” he asks, wide-eyed and pink-faced as he gawps at Gon like he’s just grown a pair of wings and a halo. “Miss me? We’ve been together almost 24/7 ever since we met again! And I’m sleeping in the same house as you!”

“I know, I know,” Gon whines, looking put out still as he keeps up with Killua’s pace in jogging back to his house. “It’s selfish, and stupid. But it’s weird to fall asleep without you beside me,” he adds, voice soft as he turns his gaze down to the ground.

“You.” He clears his throat when the word comes out croaky from his mouth, a clenched fist covering his mouth and half-hiding the rising pink on his cheeks, “You are so weird and embarrassing.”

“ _Ehh_.”

“But,” he adds, looking away even when he feels Gon’s curious gaze on him, “I guess I can ask Alluka if she’s okay with you sleeping with us. It  _is_  your room she’s using.”

He doesn’t have to look back to know that Gon is grinning at him.

(It’s clear enough from the pleased “okay!” Gon chirps at his back, anyway.)


End file.
